2008 Woodie Awards
Glad-about-town semi-glad
Louis Virtel - The Daily Iowan
Issue date: 1/24/08 Section: 80 Hours
As Michael Jackson once whispered, "I'm not like other guys."
The problem is I can't watch NBC's revamped (and, so far, quite popular) "American Gladiators" like just a casual spandex enthusiast. I know the original too well - like, say, the Gladiators' real names, the winners of every season's tournament, and the year Larry Csonka's moustache grew most inspector-like (1991). But what was childhood for, anyway, if I couldn't emulate "Gladiators" by standing on a decrepit ottoman jousting my younger brother with couch cushions? Not much, of course.
That said, the new "American Gladiators" needs a superfan's critical eye. Newbs might praise the souped-up set and the fresh batch of subhuman super-humans, but it takes a "Glads" junkie to point out the many, many flaws. Here's where this fanatic is pointing an angry pugil stick:
• Power Ball for Dummies: In the original incarnation, Powerball was rough: Contenders raced past lumbering gladiators to dunk soccer balls in tiny tins. In the new version, Power Ball (not so fierce in two words), the tins are roughly three times as large. Sinking a half-court shot is almost easy. Who decided this game needed renovation at all? It's gladiators knocking down yipping little men as they achieve a stupid goal. Seemed perfectly legit to me.
• Gimmicky Gladiators: Don't get me wrong; I love the 6-8 gladiator (or mountain in disguise) called Justice. But must he annoy me with his slamming-the-gavel-of-justice gesture every three seconds? And what about Toa, the spear-wielding Samoan tool? Thing is, I'm not an asshole, but Samoa is barely an American territory. It hangs out by Hawaii, and they eat Spam there. And "Wolf" can stop howling any day now.
• Lame Gladiators: "Stealth"? What kind of warrior name is that? The last thing Gladiator games require is stealth. If you're stealthy, you're not battering someone with your bare hands. And "Hellga"? With two supercool L's? She may be a thousand pounds, but the hour it requires her to lift her limbs gets boring. It won't fly with advertisers.
The problem is I can't watch NBC's revamped (and, so far, quite popular) "American Gladiators" like just a casual spandex enthusiast. I know the original too well - like, say, the Gladiators' real names, the winners of every season's tournament, and the year Larry Csonka's moustache grew most inspector-like (1991). But what was childhood for, anyway, if I couldn't emulate "Gladiators" by standing on a decrepit ottoman jousting my younger brother with couch cushions? Not much, of course.
That said, the new "American Gladiators" needs a superfan's critical eye. Newbs might praise the souped-up set and the fresh batch of subhuman super-humans, but it takes a "Glads" junkie to point out the many, many flaws. Here's where this fanatic is pointing an angry pugil stick:
• Power Ball for Dummies: In the original incarnation, Powerball was rough: Contenders raced past lumbering gladiators to dunk soccer balls in tiny tins. In the new version, Power Ball (not so fierce in two words), the tins are roughly three times as large. Sinking a half-court shot is almost easy. Who decided this game needed renovation at all? It's gladiators knocking down yipping little men as they achieve a stupid goal. Seemed perfectly legit to me.
• Gimmicky Gladiators: Don't get me wrong; I love the 6-8 gladiator (or mountain in disguise) called Justice. But must he annoy me with his slamming-the-gavel-of-justice gesture every three seconds? And what about Toa, the spear-wielding Samoan tool? Thing is, I'm not an asshole, but Samoa is barely an American territory. It hangs out by Hawaii, and they eat Spam there. And "Wolf" can stop howling any day now.
• Lame Gladiators: "Stealth"? What kind of warrior name is that? The last thing Gladiator games require is stealth. If you're stealthy, you're not battering someone with your bare hands. And "Hellga"? With two supercool L's? She may be a thousand pounds, but the hour it requires her to lift her limbs gets boring. It won't fly with advertisers.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Mom
posted 2/02/08 @ 1:12 PM CST
Brings back many fun memories--like an incentive (okay, bribe) for one to give up sucking one's thumb at age 4 or whatever.
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