2008 Woodie Awards
Letters to Louis
Louis Virtel - The Daily Iowan
Issue date: 11/29/07 Section: 80 Hours
- Page 1 of 2 next >
O Wise and Whimsical Louis,
Here's the deal: I've been dating this girl on and off now for about a year and a half. I've been trying to break up with said girl on and off for over a year of that time. But every time I do finally find the strength to end it (usually thanks to a little help from vodka), it never seems to last.
I know it needs to end; it's been an incredibly unhappy relationship for quite some time now, but I always seem to lose my nerve, either because of her pitiful crying or because of my own need for attention and emotional reassurance (I blame my parents).
The girl seems to have invested her entire existence in me - she seems to only identify herself as my girlfriend. But I can barely take care of myself, much less some overly needy woman.
So I've been stringing this girl along for far too long now, and she has yet to realize that she should have broken up with me months ago. I've tried being a complete jerk, I've tried being overly nice, I've even tried being gay (keep that on the DL). All to no avail.
I don't want to hurt her, but I don't know what else to do. And because you've most certainly broken countless fragile hearts yourself, I thought I'd ask you for some advice.
You are the hottest,
The Black Lizard
Dear BLizard,
Ugh, I hate it when the readers do all the psychoanalysis for me. I don't have this imaginary doctorate so you can all think you know something. B-Liz, you also dare to lure me with a tacked-on compliment at the end of your letter. Typical asinine male. I'm insulted. We're bound to date, so keep your Thursdays open.
As for your concern: God, what an old-fashioned romance! Is that music playing? Are you Clark Gable? Frankly, Scarlett, you don't give a damn about respect or shame. I'm trying to arrange my cluttered, copious reactions to this letter. I admire your candor? I'm repulsed? So many emotions for me, but one pervades: confusion.
You don't want to hurt her but you're cavalier in deeming her "pathetic," "dependent," and "pitiful"? Wikka-what? Remix: wikka-how-has-this-gone-on-for-a-year? Aren't you the pathetic one for putzing around allowing yourself to watch your GF think she knows what's going on? During, say, month five, didn't you think, "I'm not having fun. Time to stop wasting time"? No kidding you enjoy attention - you're dismissive and, worse, amused by your girlfriend's "investment" in your "existence." Like, "Blah, blah, it's a mess to be me, and look, there's some ho who's all wrapped up in it." At least I make such egotism look effortless. This seems like it took some work - an amount comparable to, you know, the construction of Mount Rushmore.
Here's the deal: I've been dating this girl on and off now for about a year and a half. I've been trying to break up with said girl on and off for over a year of that time. But every time I do finally find the strength to end it (usually thanks to a little help from vodka), it never seems to last.
I know it needs to end; it's been an incredibly unhappy relationship for quite some time now, but I always seem to lose my nerve, either because of her pitiful crying or because of my own need for attention and emotional reassurance (I blame my parents).
The girl seems to have invested her entire existence in me - she seems to only identify herself as my girlfriend. But I can barely take care of myself, much less some overly needy woman.
So I've been stringing this girl along for far too long now, and she has yet to realize that she should have broken up with me months ago. I've tried being a complete jerk, I've tried being overly nice, I've even tried being gay (keep that on the DL). All to no avail.
I don't want to hurt her, but I don't know what else to do. And because you've most certainly broken countless fragile hearts yourself, I thought I'd ask you for some advice.
You are the hottest,
The Black Lizard
Dear BLizard,
Ugh, I hate it when the readers do all the psychoanalysis for me. I don't have this imaginary doctorate so you can all think you know something. B-Liz, you also dare to lure me with a tacked-on compliment at the end of your letter. Typical asinine male. I'm insulted. We're bound to date, so keep your Thursdays open.
As for your concern: God, what an old-fashioned romance! Is that music playing? Are you Clark Gable? Frankly, Scarlett, you don't give a damn about respect or shame. I'm trying to arrange my cluttered, copious reactions to this letter. I admire your candor? I'm repulsed? So many emotions for me, but one pervades: confusion.
You don't want to hurt her but you're cavalier in deeming her "pathetic," "dependent," and "pitiful"? Wikka-what? Remix: wikka-how-has-this-gone-on-for-a-year? Aren't you the pathetic one for putzing around allowing yourself to watch your GF think she knows what's going on? During, say, month five, didn't you think, "I'm not having fun. Time to stop wasting time"? No kidding you enjoy attention - you're dismissive and, worse, amused by your girlfriend's "investment" in your "existence." Like, "Blah, blah, it's a mess to be me, and look, there's some ho who's all wrapped up in it." At least I make such egotism look effortless. This seems like it took some work - an amount comparable to, you know, the construction of Mount Rushmore.
Be the first to comment on this story