2008 Woodie Awards
Cootie patrol
Nate Whitney - The Daily Iowan
Issue date: 12/6/07 Section: Opinions
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I have this fear, the daydreaming equivalent of a nightmare. I buy a girl a drink and begin discussing the election with her. I mention the names Victoria Woodhull, Margaret Chase Smith, and Shirley Chisolm and I get something like this in response; "Aren't those knock-offs of Victoria's Secret, Vera Wang, and Calvin Klein?"
At this point you're thinking, "Gee, you pompous, misogynist jerk. I can't understand why you're single when you assume most female students are so uneducated when it comes to previous female presidential candidates." But let's be honest, there are others who are reading this right now who really have never heard of Chisolm or the others. I'm guessing they aren't in the majority, and I'm guessing that - despite that disclaimer - my reputation with female students will now plummet from bottom-of-the-basement to lower than President Bush's approval rating.
I'd also wager that if I ask most female students about Hillary Rodham Clinton they'll have something to say, positive or otherwise. Yes, Woodhull, Chase Smith, and Chisolm are of a different era from what the iPod-infested North Face mafia is accustomed to, but for those who support Rodham Clinton for feminist reasons, these names are known precursors to Hill's gallant march to Pennsylvania Avenue. I applaud them for their knowledge, I applaud them for their vote (I'm not a Rodham Clinton fan, but they could do worse), but only if they decided on the senator from New York for reasons other than the fact that she has two X chromosomes. Otherwise I call them a stupidface with cooties and make a giant fart sound with my hands before running off giggling. On the other hand, if you're a guy and you're discounting Rodham Clinton simply because she's a woman, you're 10 times a stupidface, and in your case I'd bypass the gastric sound effects and go straight for "WTF, mate?"
Rodham Clinton is running as a senator, former first lady, graduate of Yale law, and advocate for socialized-health-care-at-gunpoint. Pick one of those, or the many others, and vote for her because of it. Or don't vote for her; I'd be fine with that too. She attacked Barack Obama this week for having a trivial amount of Senate service in his back pocket before leaping headlong into the presidential-nomination race, despite the fact that she herself was elected to the Senate only four years prior to the grinning, lanky Illinoisan. That argument assumes her experiences as first lady give her immeasurable amounts of White House policymaking leadership that Obama - or any of the other candidates for that matter - lack. Was she vice president, or was Al Gore? My worthless opinion aside, Rodham Clinton has issues, as she does merits. Get in the political buffet line, grab a wet plate from under the heat lamp, and take your pick of concerns, qualities, and the like. But for god's sake, avoid the room-temperature steel container at the end; it looks wicked disgusting, and I'm guessing it'll make you sick. Besides, it wasn't labeled until just a minute ago, when Tom Jones strolled up with a Sharpie, scribbling "She's-a-Lady Salad" onto a strip of masking tape and slapping it crookedly onto the sneeze guard.
At this point you're thinking, "Gee, you pompous, misogynist jerk. I can't understand why you're single when you assume most female students are so uneducated when it comes to previous female presidential candidates." But let's be honest, there are others who are reading this right now who really have never heard of Chisolm or the others. I'm guessing they aren't in the majority, and I'm guessing that - despite that disclaimer - my reputation with female students will now plummet from bottom-of-the-basement to lower than President Bush's approval rating.
I'd also wager that if I ask most female students about Hillary Rodham Clinton they'll have something to say, positive or otherwise. Yes, Woodhull, Chase Smith, and Chisolm are of a different era from what the iPod-infested North Face mafia is accustomed to, but for those who support Rodham Clinton for feminist reasons, these names are known precursors to Hill's gallant march to Pennsylvania Avenue. I applaud them for their knowledge, I applaud them for their vote (I'm not a Rodham Clinton fan, but they could do worse), but only if they decided on the senator from New York for reasons other than the fact that she has two X chromosomes. Otherwise I call them a stupidface with cooties and make a giant fart sound with my hands before running off giggling. On the other hand, if you're a guy and you're discounting Rodham Clinton simply because she's a woman, you're 10 times a stupidface, and in your case I'd bypass the gastric sound effects and go straight for "WTF, mate?"
Rodham Clinton is running as a senator, former first lady, graduate of Yale law, and advocate for socialized-health-care-at-gunpoint. Pick one of those, or the many others, and vote for her because of it. Or don't vote for her; I'd be fine with that too. She attacked Barack Obama this week for having a trivial amount of Senate service in his back pocket before leaping headlong into the presidential-nomination race, despite the fact that she herself was elected to the Senate only four years prior to the grinning, lanky Illinoisan. That argument assumes her experiences as first lady give her immeasurable amounts of White House policymaking leadership that Obama - or any of the other candidates for that matter - lack. Was she vice president, or was Al Gore? My worthless opinion aside, Rodham Clinton has issues, as she does merits. Get in the political buffet line, grab a wet plate from under the heat lamp, and take your pick of concerns, qualities, and the like. But for god's sake, avoid the room-temperature steel container at the end; it looks wicked disgusting, and I'm guessing it'll make you sick. Besides, it wasn't labeled until just a minute ago, when Tom Jones strolled up with a Sharpie, scribbling "She's-a-Lady Salad" onto a strip of masking tape and slapping it crookedly onto the sneeze guard.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Chris
posted 12/06/07 @ 10:27 AM CST
Thank you for this. I agree.
I am a Mormon, and some of my non-LDS friends assume that Mitt Romney has my vote, just because we share a religion. Actually, right now, I am undecided. (Continued…)
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