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Elliot: Foraying into the mayo wars

BY BEAU ELLIOT | JULY 28, 2015 5:00 AM

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In a world full of climate change, the ISIS-Iran bond, and the looming specter of Donald Trump morphing into Ross Perot circa 1992, it comes as little surprise that a lawsuit in Indiana contends that defenders of equal marriage rights are the true bigots.

Well, what can we say? All the true funny stuff seems to happen in Indiana.

The suit involves a former deputy clerk in the Harrison County Clerk of Court Office who alleges her religious beliefs were violated when she was told she must process marriage licenses for same-sex couples. So, naturally the real bigots are those who support same-sex marriage.

Well, I can top that. The real bigots are those who support mayonnaise.

See, my religious beliefs not only don’t allow me to eat mayo, they don’t allow me to handle mayo or even see mayo. When I’m in a grocery store, I have to avert my eyes in the gleaming, mile-long mayonnaise aisle.

In my religion, I can’t even think about people eating mayo, let alone enjoying the experience. It’s obscene. Mayo should be banned, quickly, before young minds are forced to support it.

So, people, throw away your mayo. (Besides, it’s just going to go bad.) Otherwise, I might be forced to file a lawsuit — expecially because the Mayo Clinic is a super-secret lab dedicated to develop new and more insidious forms of mayo.

Speaking of insidious, there’s that ISIS-Iran connection. Except, well, there isn’t. A new ad from the GOP super PAC Restoration PAC is vehemently against the Iranian nuke deal, and, Daily Kos reports it initially featured a shot of President Obama shaking hands with Iranian President Hassan Rouhani. That’s interesting, because the two have never met. (Daily Kos reports that the shot has since been edited out. Hmmm.)

Another shot in the ad is taken from an ISIS video, thus tying the group to Iran. Well and good, except that Iran is fighting ISIS.

Might as well say Iranians are Arabs. So many Americans believe that.

Ahem. The majority of Iranians are Persians. Minority ethnicities include  Azeris and Kurds. There are also small pocket of Arab Iranians (mostly Shiite) and Baluchis. (From the Council on Foreign Relations.)

Then there’s the Trumpster specter. Yikes.

Well, that’s how some Republicans react. They’re afraid Trump might win the nomination with his combination of bluster, bombast, and billions. They’re also afraid he might not win the nomination and then run as an independent, taking away enough Republican votes to elect a Democrat president. Just like Ross Perot in 1992.

But as Rachel Maddow pointed out recently, Perot’s independent candidacy did not elect Democrat Bill Clinton. She recites the numbers: Perot won 19 percent of the vote; according to exit polls, 38 percent of those Perot voters would have otherwise voted for then-President George H.W. Bush, and 38 percent would have voted for Clinton. The rest would not have voted.

Perot quit his campaign on July 16; his reason for quitting was some doobly-woobly about the House of Representatives deciding the election. His reason for quitting when he jumped back in was some doobly-woobly about his daughter’s wedding and CIA dirty tricks.

During the time Perot was out of the race, Clinton did better in the polls than H.W. Bush.

Trump may be a specter; Perot was mayo.


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