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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Work on being the best you can be instead of criticizing others, and you will avoid an argument and the possible loss of a good friend. Diplomacy and humility will give you the edge when faced with controversy.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Show what you have to offer. A practical approach will help you avoid being misled by an offer that has grand expectations but little substance. Stick to what you know. Avoid purchasing items that promise the impossible.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Assess your situation at home and consider the changes you want to make. Follow your heart and explore the possibilities that interest you the most. Love is on the rise, and romance will improve your emotional outlook.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): An emotional situation will take an unexpected turn. Don't let your anger take over. Try to bide your time and focus on something that you enjoy doing alone. Using force or emotional tactics will backfire.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You will gain popularity and respect if you lend a helping hand. You will impress people with your generosity and compassion both at home and at work. A professional change will take you by surprise. Make a decision based on your long-term happiness.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Problems at work won't go away easily. Confront whatever situation you face with caution. Not everyone will view the situation the same way you do. Have a well-thought-out plan in place to ensure your job security.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Travel and communication will be met with delays and setbacks. Don't try to accomplish the impossible. Set realistic goals and don't promise more than you can deliver. Spend time primping, pampering and preparing for a little romance.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Keep an eye on your money and your possessions. Look over investments and make sure you have the correct beneficiaries in place. Someone will take advantage of you if you aren't careful. Don't share personal information. A friend will test your patience.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Emotional situations will play out in your favor. Take a day trip or travel to a location that is geared toward self-improvement. Knowledge, skills and physical transformations will all contribute to added confidence and greater popularity. Romance should be scheduled for the evening hours.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): There will be a fine line between a good and a bad investment. Don't be tempted to follow what someone else does. Choose the most effective way to secure your financial future. Don't let someone's emotional manipulation lead you astray.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Embrace a challenge, adventure or project that excites you. A partnership will flourish if you share your ideas and collaborate to reach your goal. Romance will improve your personal life and bring about changes to the way you live.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Put tender, loving care into your residence, or consider making a move. An unusual idea can be a turning point for you when it comes to how you earn your living. Seek out information that will enable you to improve your status.

Andrew R. Juhl, Professor of Letters:

• Dear Salt and Vinegar Pringles: You are form- pressed wafers of cognitive dissonance. You simultaneously taste both fantastic and disgusting, confusing my brain with fallacious habituation: "Mmm-mmm, these salt and vinegar chips are sickening. My taste buds are revolting with mutinous fervor. Oh, so tasty. Gross."

• Dear Makers of My New Showerhead: Was there really screaming need for a showerhead that has only 30 percent of its appertures serviceably discharging water at any given time — and in a drip, not a spray, so that soap and shampoo must be excavated from one's body via a complicated and well-choreographed dance of aimed water droplets? WAS THERE? Thanks to you, taking a shower in my house is not so much like standing underneath a cascading waterfall as it is like getting peed on by a blasé giraffe.

• Dear Cranberry Juice: Please cease your ill-conceived affairs with pomegranates and cherries immediately. Your continued dalliances with these low-rent fruits serve only to create barely palatable mélanges of bleeech and icky-icky-poo. There's not a single aisle in the whole damned supermarket that skank hasn't already mixed its juices with. Just be yourself, cranberry juice, and I'll continue to love you for you.

Andrew R. Juhl can barly rite.

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