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ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will make an interesting business contact if you network. Don't make personal changes impulsively or you will have regrets. Focus on expanding your skills, knowledge, and expertise, not on changing your appearance. Observe what others are doing.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Secrets must not be shared. If you divulge something about someone else, it will make you look bad. Taking on too much will be your downfall. Focus on what you can accomplish. Realistic expectations will help you succeed.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You'll face opposition and an untimely surprise if you haven't prepared to accept what someone around you does for a living. Talks will lead to emotional setbacks that may not be reversible. Honesty and diplomacy are necessary.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don't let anyone stop you from following your creative direction. Work alone, and don't worry about what others do or say. A last-minute change can be to your advantage if you don't make a fuss. Acceptance will make your life easier.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Working alongside others will bring good results. Discuss your expectations and concerns, and you will end up in a leadership position. You will meet new and exciting people if you participate in an industry event or fundraiser.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Expect the unexpected. Patience will lead to a better position. Look for the positive in any situation you face, and you will find a way to maneuver your way to success. Say little, and do a lot. Romance will improve your personal life.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Make up your mind to participate. Being indecisive will not help you get ahead. Step up your game, and share your ideas. Don't let insecurity stand between you and advancement. Embrace change, and present what you have to offer.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Go with the flow. Don't be daunted by what others do. You don't have to keep up with anyone. Follow your heart and enjoy the company of someone you love. Do your own thing, and you will find the happiness you are searching for.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don't be mesmerized by someone who is very different from you. Socialize with people who are of the same mindset, and you will avoid wasting time that should be spent on developing plans and profitable ideas.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Observation will be necessary, and impulses will lead to poor decisions. Try not to reveal your motives until you have secured your position. A partnership with someone unique will turn out to be a prosperous and winning combination.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Put your energy to good use. Make positive changes at home and discuss plans with someone you love to help your relationship flourish. Working as a team player will result in a healthy atmosphere at home and at work.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Listen carefully before you give in to someone trying to push or pressure you. Don't be tempted to spend on a gimmick that promises the impossible. Stick close to home and to people you can trust. Romance is highlighted.



My Perfect Day:

• 6:30 a.m.: Wake-up call from boss, telling me office burned down and I get three months paid vacation.

• 8 a.m.: Breakfast (three Bacon, Egg, and Cheese McGriddles with a large Cherry Coke (made with grenadine).

• 10 a.m.: Go to gym, kick personal trainer in the jimmysack, get a strawberry banana smoothie.

• 10:30 a.m.: Breakfast (Stuffed French Toast at iHop with a Starbucks White Chocolate Mocha).

• 12:01 p.m.: Matinee showing of literally any current movie, so long as there's nobody else in the theater, and also I have four fingers of Scotch because now it's the afternoon — so technically, I don't have "a problem."

• 3 p.m.: Doctor calls to inform me that my semen cures all know STDs.

• 3:30 p.m.: Light snack of pancakes, bacon, toast, eggs, sausage, waffles, and Scotch.

• 5 p.m.: Limo to the casino, immediately win so much money at roulette that manager asks me to leave; respond by kicking manager in the jimmysack and laying gastronomical waste to the casino's omelet bar.

• 6:30 p.m.: Lay down a 90-second, sonorous fart that smells like oatmeal cookies.

• 7 p.m.: Personal advanced screening of the new "Game of Thrones" season in my living room, attended by Peter Dinklage, Emelia Clarke, Rory McCann, and Hodor (in character). Steak and eggs made on request by a ball-gagged Guy Fieri. Sponsored by Glenlivet.

• 11 p.m.: "Andrew, you're one seriously cool dude," says Hodor.

Andrew R. Juhl wants to know what your perfect day would look like.






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