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Elliot: Deflated universe

BY BEAU ELLIOT | MAY 12, 2015 5:00 AM

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So I see the NFL, in all its wisdom, has decided to give graduating seniors a graduation present in the form of suspending New England QB Tom Brady for four games.

This is the league assuming, of course, that most graduating seniors are not New England Patriot fans and also despise Tom Brady because he’s movie-star good looking (as a girl I know put it), has oodles and boodles of money, and is married to a super model who makes more boodles and oodles than he does. And so Deflategate finally runs out of air. More probably than not. Or whatever.

The affair about under-inflated footballs seized the national attention in January because, well, the Ebola scare had run out of air. And it had to be called a “gate,” because each and every semi-scandalous something or other since Watergate must be a “gate.” One of these days, a gate-manufacturing company will, in trying to cut costs, produce a line of malfunctioning gates that slap little kids on their backs, spilling them onto the sidewalks, and that scandal will be known as Gategate.

The scandal came about because the Patriots were allegedly using deflated footballs (no junior-high jokes, please) in the AFC Championship game against the Indianapolis Colts, back in January, when there was winter and we weren’t much thinking about global climate change. Apparently, deflated footballs are as bad as using steroids.

(I didn’t think anything was as bad as using steroids except beheading journalists and proposing Obamacare.) Anyway, many years later — OK, only 100 days or so — the Wells Report came and condemned the Patriots, and Brady, for using deflated footballs. Sort of, anyway. The report kept using the phrase “more probable than not” about the Patriots’ actions, which is more or less lawyer-speak for “maybe.” And the report said Brady was “generally aware” of what was going on.

Yeah, I know: “generally aware.” I’m “generally aware” of calculus, but that doesn’t mean that I commit calculus.

Although I’m “generally aware” that some people devoutly believe calculus should be committed.

The report ignored the fact that the two pressure gauges used to test the footballs came up with such different results, that the Colts were also using under-inflated footballs (Should Colt QB Andrew Luck also be suspended? Or was he not “generally aware”?), or that the Moon was in Virgo at the time, so the air pressure on Earth dropped precipitously.

OK, that last bit about Moon/Virgo I made up. But that’s about the level of science the Wells Report used. That report has more holes in it than the Titanic.  As if we weren’t already having enough fun, along trots the Jade Helm 15 conspiracy theory, which apparently deeply concerns Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas. (Actually, having “Ted Cruz” and “conspiracy theory” in the same sentence is already having enough fun.)

What? You’ve never heard of Jade Helm 15? What rock from the Sun do you live under? Jade Helm 15 is a military conspiracy to take over the Southwest. 

Yeah, I know; Deflategate was much more fun. Me, I’m still waiting for Gategate. I’m hoping Bill Gates is behind it somehow.


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