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Elliot: Aisle of lost

BY BEAU ELLIOT | MARCH 31, 2015 5:00 AM

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Last I heard, Rep. Louie Gohmert is not running for president. I’m pretty sure that you’re all, no matter on which side of the aisle you live, or on which of all the various angles of the metaphorical aisle you breathe, are breathing a sigh of “Who?”

Gohmert once became famous for accusing Attorney General Eric Holder of “casting aspersions on my asparagus.” This, in relation to the Boston Marathon bombings.

Gohmert comes from Texas, no surprise. If California is where America is invented, Texas is where it devolves.

Anyway, the congressman that the Daily Kos has dubbed the dumbest man in Congress (how could they tell?) is not running for president because he’s bald. Or as his office put it:

“To more completely describe his actual beliefs, Congressman Gohmert notes the Kennedy-Nixon debates created a line of demarcation beyond which television became the critical factor in being elected President which also meant there would be no more bald Presidents in his lifetime.”

Well, fine and good, but we liberals will be sad if Gohmert doesn’t run for president, because he would give a whole new meaning to Gohmert pile.

And we’re kind of confused about the whole bald thing dating back to the Kennedy-Nixon debate. I mean, neither Kennedy nor Nixon was bald. Not to split hairs or anything. 

Of course, pretty much anything (or everything) about Congress is confusing.

That aisle (speaking of isles) in Congress is pretty much like the aisle of “Lost,” only without the pretty faces. And the time travel (although, given congressional travel budgets …). And the interested people who tune in each week, or whenever.

The aisles in Congress include our own Rep. Dave Loebsack, D-Iowa,  who has voted both for the GOP bill supporting the Keystone XL pipline and for the GOP bill for loosening restrictions on Wall Street. Yeah, I know; you and I thought we were voting for a Democrat. Not so much. But that’s Congress these days.

The old joke (which comes from comic genius Will Rogers, who hails not only from before your time, but before my time, which I guess means he hails from the Pleistocene or something). Anyway, back at the old joke, Rogers once said: I don’t belong to any organized political party. I’m a Democrat.

True in his day. True these days. But now, also true about the Republican Congress.

I mean, who’s in charge? Or, to delve into another old joke, Who’s on first? (No, who’s on third. It’s Abbott and Costello from many decades ago. Maybe the Pleistocene.)

There was the Homeland Security fracas, on which the GOP ultimately capitulated. There was the letter to Iran (who writes letters these days? That seems so Pleistocene), which wound up drawing criticism from almost everywhere, even from some Republican circles (you didn’t know Republicans could draw circles, did you). There is the GOP “budget,” which employs the George W. Bush trick of not busting the budget by putting billions of defense spending off the books. Or something.

Could we go back to the Gohmert presidential campaign? Otherwise, we’re lost in the aisles.


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