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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Crank up the volume, and make your move. Now is not the time to be a bystander. Jump at any opportunity to secure your position, sign a contract, or improve your standard of living, remembering at all times to stay within your budget.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don’t engage in a debate that has the potential to turn into an argument. Regret is likely if you aren’t willing to compromise. Overreacting and overspending will be what stands between you and victory.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Plan your investment strategy before you go on a spending spree. Don’t donate or give too much to someone asking for a handout. Don’t believe everything you hear. Put your money into self-improvement, your career, or your home.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Take the initiative, and make a commitment to follow through with a plan. Join an organization that you can offer your time and experience to, but don’t make a cash contribution. Getting involved physically will lead to a new friendship.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Take control, come up with a plan, and follow through. Don’t be deterred by someone using emotional blackmail. Focus on what you want to accomplish, and don’t look back. You’ve got what it takes to be successful.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You can have some fun and still accomplish what you set out to do. Self-improvement projects will pay off and draw attention from someone special. Gather information, and use your powers of persuasion to get others to do things for you.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Don’t share personal financial matters. An unusual investment will grab your attention. A project you can develop and distribute from home looks promising, but will turn out best if you move forward in small and precise increments.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don’t go overboard. Use your intuition, intelligence, and creative drive to help you get where you want to go. Love is on the rise, and discussing your intentions and plans for the future will add to your intrigue and improve your personal life.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Focus on home, family, and friends. Taking time to get to know someone better will enrich your life. You don’t have to spend money to impress someone. Don’t give in to someone offering something that is too good to be true.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don’t follow the crowd or make an impulsive move or decision. Make sure to take a quiet moment to mull over the past, present, and future before embarking on a fast-cash scheme. Put home and family first.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Push for progress in work-related matters. Look for job opportunities, set up meetings, and send out your résumé. There is plenty to gain if you stay on top of your professional situation. Advancement is within reach.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don’t be fooled by an offer someone makes. You won’t be given the information you require to make a wise choice. Focus more on yourself and improving what you have to offer. Romance will improve your personal life.



General and unsolicited advice

• Whenever a stranger tells you to “Smile,” you should always respond with, “I’d like to see you smile with hemorrhoids this big.”

• If you’re ever worried you’re being insensitive, don’t be. Just assume the other party is being oversensitive; that way, even if you’re wrong, it’s not like you’re going to care.

• Any size candy bar can be “fun-size” if you’re determined and have the time.

• Every time you make a “jerk-off” motion with your hand, you may actually be jerking-off a ghost. So consider that fact the next time you attempt to prove your moral superiority to the night manager at an Arby’s.

• When buying a house, make sure to get one with a breakfast nook. The breakfast nook is the most important nook of the day.

• Never rationalize ANYTHING with “because it’s tradition” If something is traditional, it only means that it was agreed upon back when people were dumber and more superstitious.

• If you ever have an erection that lasts three hours and 57 minutes, just sit back and relax — it could still be a totally natural occurrence, not something to consult your physician about.

• Always throw a pinch of salt over your shoulder for good luck because you never know; maybe there’s somebody standing behind you with a piping hot pretzel, and that person is your One True Love. Also, salt is hella cheap, so why not?

Andrew R. Juhl advises you not to take advice from the Ledge.






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