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Elliot: Daylight socialist time

BY BEAU ELLIOT | MARCH 10, 2015 5:00 AM

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So, how do you like your socialist America now?

What do you mean; you didn’t know the United States was a socialist paradise? The right wing has been warning us about it for years, decades, eons. The right wing was warning us that America would become a socialist paradise when socialism was just a gleam in the eye of a T-Rex.

Still don’t think so? OK, take daylight saving time. Obviously, a socialist plot to take away an hour away from our days, because the socialist motto is you can do in 23 hours what you used to do in 24. Just ask any college student. College students know, because all they teach these days in universities is socialism.

It especially takes away an hour from the farmers’ days, and farmers are the only nonsocialists left in America. Outside of lawyers. 

Oh, the farmers — castrating pigs faster than Sen. Joni Ernst in her dreams and polluting our waterways quicker than a toxic-waste dump. (Toxic-waste dumps are notoriously slow on the uptake.)

Hmm. Maybe taking an hour away from them isn’t such a bad idea.

On the other hand (that mysterious other hand, which is often mentioned but rarely seen) we shouldn’t bash farmers, because they provide us with food. I have to admit, I only have a passing familiarity with food, but I hear from sources that it’s good.

What’s that you say? How can farmers be nonsocialist when they take subsidies from the government?

Hmm. Well, if farmers are socialists, then daylight saving obviously is a socialist plot to make them more efficient.

The Washington Post has a report on daylight saving time proving that it’s a socialist plot. Well, the Post doesn’t say so in so many words, but I can read between the lines. (The Post has very good spacing between the lines. It’s called leading [“ledding”]. Interestingly, the element lead is Pb on the element table, which is quite obviously a socialist plot.)

For instance, daylight saving was first proposed by some British guy in 1907, when Britain was still an empire. It took some time, but daylight saving toppled that empire.

Daylight saving was first adopted, according to the Post, by the German Empire two years later, which led Germany into World War I when it easily just could have slept for another hour, which led to the Weimer Republic, which led to the Nazi takeover. Socialists plots can be pernicious and sometimes bend the wrong way.

Take China, a socialist nation pretending to be capitalist. China would like to build a canal across Nicaragua to compete with the Panama Canal (socialist). But as a professor in Nicaragua pointed out on NPR, the Chinese eager to do this seems to lack any eagerness in protecting the environment or human rights in Nicaragua.

Of course, China seems to lack eagerness in protecting the environment or human rights in its own country, so what’s the big surprise that China wouldn’t become green and human-rights fuzzy in Nicaragua?

Socialism. It’s everywhere you look. Especially in our time.

As the Irish say, If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks (Brendan Behan). So, coming from the Irish, I’m going to go outside with my fork. Also because the socialists gave us only forks.


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