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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Make social plans. Put greater emphasis on love, romance, and important relationships. Express your feelings, define where you stand, and identify what you want to see happen in the near future. Communication is key to success.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Limitations because of emotionally escalating situations will leave you reluctant to make a decision regarding your situation at home or at work. The suggestions made by an outsider will help ease your stress.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Listen to what's being said, but don't take action prematurely. Chill out, and take time to reassess your life personally and professionally. Changes made at home will allow you to entertain new prospects.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You'll face both positive and negative situations. Focus on what you are able to change and where you can be productive and progressive. Don't rely on others for help. A creative solution will lead to success.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You have plenty to offer, so jump into action, and do your part. Your contribution to any team you join will help you master your ability to be a leader. A serious talk will result in a successful relationship.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Revisit some of your past financial decisions. Buying and selling is highlighted, but the changes you make should be to lower debt and ease stress. Don't let anyone lead you astray or cost you emotionally or financially.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Discuss the changes you want to see happen in a partnership or your living arrangements. Back away from anyone who is demanding or pushy. You have much to gain if you offer your honest opinion.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Put your cash and prized possessions in a safe place. Give yourself a chance to search for the best financial options. A risk may be tempting, but it will not be worth the stress and instability that will ensue.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don't let depression turn in to a costly affair. You are experiencing a make-it-or-break-it period in which partnerships are concerned. Don't make a rash decision or say something you'll regret. Focus on the positives, and protect your assets.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Keep a low profile, and go about your business under the radar, and you will avoid being pushed in a direction that you feel uncertain about. Helping others or working on behalf of a cause will bring you the highest returns.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Pick up the pace, and take an active part in anything that is work-related or goal-oriented. You can expand your interests and your friendships with influential people if you attend a networking function. Love is highlighted.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Keep busy, and stay out of trouble. Too much time on your hands will lead to misunderstandings and emotional turmoil. Focus on self-improvement, not on trying to change others. Don't take on responsibilities that don't belong to you.



Things said that have gotten me fired:

• I didn't take this job because I gave a damn. I took this job for the free T-shirt.

• Want me to Irish up that coffee for you, Boss?

• Like I'm really gonna wash my hands every five minutes. I mean, seriously, it's only food. It's not even cooked, yet.

• Wanna see what I put in the fryer?

• Oh my goodness, I'm sorry — I just assumed you were a lesbian.

• Five bucks says I can make that jump.

• I don't think I can make it in today. I'm sick. Of working there.

• Sir, this is the "Customer Service Counter," not the "Listen to Nutball Assholes Complain Counter."

• Oh? And is that what they taught you in How to be a Stupid Manager class?

• Swordfight.

• "Technically," I didn't "graduate."

• You think dessert is a good idea?

• I am NOT hungover. I am still drunk.

• Sorry, I'm on my break … and you look like a douche bag.

• Because I was driving a company car, then the company has the OWI, not me.

• Is that your wife? She's ugly.

• Is that your wife? She's hot.

• But I didn't know she was your wife.

• Yeah, doing this job is OK and all, but have you ever tried doing this job … ON WEED?

• I bet when Transformers have sex, pretty much everything turns into a vibrator. Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there, sir. Welcome to Circuit City.

• Whatever. You can't fire me.

Andrew R. Juhl has an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets.






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