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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Get together with old friends, or discuss future plans with someone you love. Take care of paperwork that is time-sensitive. Do something special for someone who has stood by you in the past. Romance is encouraged.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Consider what you are told, but do your own research. Too much of anything will turn in to a costly affair. An emotional matter will lead to a deceptive situation. Do your best to stabilize a relationship by being straightforward.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): It’s fun to dream, but don’t create a fantasy world that will hurt your current status with a personal or business partner. Focus on going above and beyond the call of duty to ensure you maintain a good rapport.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don’t be afraid to be different. Taking a different path will give you an inside view of a situation that is festering in the background with a peer or colleague. Stay on top of matters, but don’t fuel the fire.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Step into the limelight, and offer suggestions based on what you know to be true, and you will get the support you need to follow a dream. The feedback you get will encourage travel, knowledge and communication. Hold out for the best deal possible.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Someone you thought you could trust will disappoint you. Don’t share your personal thoughts or secrets with anyone. Put more effort into doing your own thing, and you’ll avoid interference. You can make home improvements can if you keep them simple.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Don’t procrastinate — take action. Your interest in different philosophies and cultures will lead you to interesting events and seminars. You will have an opportunity to make new friends as well as gather facts that will help you excel. Romance is encouraged.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Take care of responsibilities quickly, and then move on to enjoyable projects. A change in your position will turn in your favor. Don’t allow anyone to disrupt the way you live or the things you do at home to relax.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Partnerships will make a difference to your outlook and opinion. Make changes at home that will ensure comfort, ease your stress, and make your life more enjoyable. Love is in the stars, and sharing with someone special will make your life better.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Stick close to home. Travel and communication will lead to delays and conflicts. A pushy attitude will be met with force. Work on your own in order to accomplish the most. Take a conservative approach to whatever you pursue.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Looking back will help you move forward. Don’t be discouraged just because someone says no. Plan to take action on your own, and follow through with your plans. Romance will flourish if you are suggestive with your lover.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Use your creative energy to implement personal change. Don’t let complaints stand between you and your desires. Problems while traveling can be expected. Someone will meddle or mislead you if given the chance. Refuse to be manipulated.

My reactions to Esquire’s 1,000 Things [I] Don’t Know about Women:

• No. 111: When you offer to pay for something and we refuse, insist one more time. Always insist. (Second-guess women. Got it.)

• No. 128: The magazines in your bathroom say a lot about you. So please, hide the one with “100 Way to Please Your Woman” on the cover. (Please women by not making attempts to learn how to please women. Got it.)

• No. 100: We don’t need special moves. Just do the regular ones right. (Women prefer mediocrity. Got it.)

• No. 136: Great dads are hot. (All women have Elektra complexes. Got it.)

• No. 158: We like it when you stand in the dressing room with us. And give compliments. (Hang out by women’s dressing rooms. Got it.)

• No. 244: We like it when your phone does what it’s good for — getting us reservations and enabling you to order flowers — but if you play that fracking Plants vs. Zombies game while we’re talking to you one more time, you’re sleeping alone. (Technology exists to make women’s lives happier, not men’s. Got it.)

• No. 452: Snuggling can fix just about anything. (Communication on problem resolution is overrated. Got it.)

• No. 124: Electronics clipped to your pants are sexy only if you’re Batman, Superman, or any other kind of man who needs them to save lives, not send email. (Superman does not save lives via belt gadgetry. Your point is invalid.)

• No. 250: We are just as obsessed with other women's breasts as you are. (Nope. Not even close.)

Andrew R. Juhl thanks Matt Gorman for pointing him to this ridiculous *Esquire* article.

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