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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Show off your playful side. Socialize, and get involved in activities that will help you expand your awareness and your physical and mental strength. Set goals, and prepare to make positive changes to your attitude, your finances, and your health.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Emotional problems will escalate if you disagree with an elder or a superior. Think twice before you take on something that you aren’t prepared to compete with. Focus on honing your skills, and don’t waste your energy.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Size up what you want to do and what you must do. Having a clear picture regarding what’s expected of you will help you delegate your time accordingly. Showing your ability to do it all will lead to advancement.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don’t let anyone dump added responsibilities in your lap. Uncertainty will result in loss, so if you are questioning a deal, read the fine print before you make a commitment. Put more time and effort into self-improvement instead of trying to change others.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Plan activities that will challenge you mentally and physically. Love and romance are in the stars; they will enhance your personal life if you offer affection to someone special. Your confidence will entice someone to partner with you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Concentrate on partnerships, and network at functions that are geared toward entrepreneurs. Taking a stance and following through with your plans will attract attention and help to stabilize your position among your peers.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Be careful not to disrupt your relationship with someone you need in your corner. Choose your words wisely, and throw in compliments to ensure that you maintain the support you need to follow through with your plans.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Stick close to home, and make the changes that will help you fulfill your creative needs. Love, romance, and passion should be a top priority. Don’t talk — take action, and show how much you care. A unique lifestyle change will be beneficial.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Put your plans into motion. Say what’s on your mind, and follow through. The more concise you are, the easier it will be to avoid being misinterpreted or deceived. Positive changes at home or to your surroundings will give you fresh vision.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Choose to take a unique route or approach to something you do that can raise your income. It’s how you display and present what you have to offer that will make the difference. An old partner will have something worthwhile to contribute.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your impulsiveness will put you in an ideal position. A clear-cut view of the possibilities will make it easier for you to jump into action and take over. An important partnership will improve your chance to get ahead.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don’t leave anything to chance. Secrets will be revealed if you trust someone with personal information. Don’t give anyone a reason to doubt you. Demands will be made if you are too accommodating; don’t make promises you will regret.



A partial list of things I should probably tell every prospective girlfriend:

• Every year, I celebrate Easter by going to Illinois. For Eastest, I go to Maine.

• I hate frequency clarifiers. I almost never use them.

• People often tell me that I have the tendency to only hear what I want to hear, and I guess I’d have to agree with them: My manhood is quite large, and I’ll probably win the lottery soon.

• When a red light turns green, I point my finger forward and say “Engage.” This joke will likely never get old for me, and it is inadvisable for you to hold onto faith that it might.

• I was a pretty serious Goth in high school. Then I converted to Catholicism and got killed by a Moor.

• My cats’ names are Klaatu, Barada, and Nikto. (If you had to use Google just now, we’re not meant to be.)

• I do not possess a contingency plan in the event of a zombie outbreak. I possess several.

• Should I ever compliment you on a particular bedroom technique, I would appreciate it if you didn’t response with, “Yeah, I hear that a lot.”

• My favorite shot to order at a bar is a “Nagasaki Bomb.” It’s pretty much just a sake bomb — only ordered by an insensitive prick.

• I have unnaturally hairless legs for a man. I can’t really explain it, but I don’t think it’s all that weird, and I’ll be damned if I can’t rock an mid-thigh hemline in heels.

Andrew R. Juhl thanks Matt Gorman for collaborating on today’s Ledge.






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