Elliot: Madden 15 rules all


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So I see, in the all the fallout from the Super Bowl, that Seattle Seahawk coach Pete Carroll is no longer considered to be the boy genius of the NFL.

Well, he’s actually a bit too old and experienced as a coach to truly be a boy genius. So that doesn’t make sense. But this is America; things don’t need to make sense to be believed. See Republicans.

We’re speak here (well, I am; I can’t hear you) about Carroll’s controversial call at the end of the Super Bowl; with the Seahawks at the Patriots’ 1 yard line, second and goal, trailing 28-24 with only 20 seconds left, Carroll elected to ignore the best running back in the league and pass.

Pass intercepted. Game over. Pats are Super Bowl champions, to the delight of nearly no one not living in New England.

And conspiracy theories sprouted like the two metric tons of zucchini that you planted last spring. (What? It was only 1 metric ton? I can’t quite hear you. Cell phones, you know.)

The Seahawks clearly didn’t want running back Marshawn Lynch to be the hero of Seattle’s Super Bowl victory. According to one such theory. They wanted Golden Boy QB Russell Wilson to be the hero.

Another theory (we’ll note that, in the scientific sense, we talking about hypotheses, not theories; whatever) holds that the Seahawks didn’t want to pay Lynch a big contract, and it’s hard not to do that if Lynch is the Super Bowl hero.

Um, right.

These theories emanate from some unlit corner of the Universe and are quantumly sent into human brains while they are sleeping. Why haven’t scientists discovered this unlit corner of the Universe, you ask. Because it’s unlit, silly.

And these theories miss the central point: It’s Madden 15.

Last week, days before the Big Game, Madden 15 predicted that the Patriots would win the Super Bowl, 28-24, and the winning touchdown would be a Tom Brady pass to Julian Edelman. And that’s the way it happened.

So, you see, Carroll couldn’t hand the ball off to the best NFL running back. Madden 15 controls the Universe.

I don’t really know anything about Madden 15, but then, nobody can truly know anything about Madden 15. But I advise you not to say that name three times consecutively. It’s just what I hear.

Madden 15, which lives (if we can call that a life) on a grassy knoll in a dark corner of the Universe, because dark matters. It created the Super Bowl outcome. Hell, it created the Super Bowl, lo those many centuries ago.

It created black holes, ISIS, Mitt Romney (debatable which is more detrimental, at least to the health of dogs). It created rivers and streams, earthquakes and winter storms (Thanks, I said, shoveling metric tons of snow).

It created Sen. Joni Ernst, R-Iowa, in an unlit corner of the Universe. How many of these unlit corners of the Universe are there? you ask. Billions, apparently.

(Madden 15 is the reason that Ernst has gone from the GOP’s It Girl to, in Washington, D.C., the Tag, You’re It, Girl.)

So, Pete Carroll didn’t have a choice. It was Madden 15.

But did Madden 15 cause UI President Sally Mason to announce her retirement?


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