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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Stay on top of your domestic situation or any home improvements you are making. Problems with fire and electronics, or a tiff with someone you love, can quickly lead to trouble. Expand your knowledge to prepare you for the future.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Think matters through carefully. Moderation will be critical when dealing with investments. Don't allow an emotional situation to cost you. Getting bent out of shape will not solve problems, it will only make matters worse. Stabilize important relationships.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You'll be easily distracted. Don't let anything hinder your ability to get a job finished. Partnerships will improve if you are a team player; explore and expand your options. Thrive on change, and show your diversity. Romance is on the rise.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Use your unique and expressive insight to keep anyone trying to interfere in your plans at arm's length. Protect what's yours by relying on your experience and connections to ensure you are in control and on track.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Roll out the red carpet, and get ready to show off what you have to offer. You'll attract both personal and professional interest if you share your thoughts. Romantic opportunities are present, but you may have to make the first move.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You'll face opposition at home, and you must be careful not to confuse facts with fiction when dealing with personal matters. Precision and detail will be necessary when expressing your views. Keep your wits about you, and avoid discord.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Don't let your emotions interfere with what needs to be done. Speak up, and take action. Someone you worked with in the past will help you out. Make the first move, and you will take any opposition you face by surprise.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Work-related matters should be put into play. Use your skill, intuition, and memory to help make things happen. Keep in mind that quality must be put before quantity if you want to stay ahead of the game financially.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Embrace change. You'll surprise everyone with your ability to handle whatever comes your way. Draw on your experience, and nothing will stand in your way. Positive changes at home will add to your comfort and happiness.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Choose your partners carefully. Make sure that both parties in a relationship have something to contribute. Equality will determine the longevity of any connection in which you intend to participate. Be smart and considerate of others.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Make unique changes. A new job or finding a way to make some extra cash is apparent. Branch out by using your talents in diverse ways. Applying what you know or do best to fit the current economic trends will pay off.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don't get caught in the crossfire. Take a course, or discuss your concerns to help you get a better view of what you are dealing with. Invest in yourself and the things you want to pursue in the future.



Lessons learned from a lifetime of watching movies:

• Apparently, it's impossible to make a bomb that still blows up no matter what fucking wire you cut.

• The safest place to ride out an apocalypse? The arm of the Statue of Liberty.

• Telling someone who is aggravated or scared to "calm down" or "relax" will cause that person to calm down or relax; at worst, people might respond with "Don't tell me to relax" immediately before they do so.

• I'm not always in the mood for a movie, but I'm pretty much always in the mood to eat an entire tub of buttery popcorn in the dark all by myself.

• If you're an older gentleman with a heart condition, then SEX WILL KILL YOU. And then somebody will then remark, "But what a way to go." And then it won't get a laugh. And then you will have died in vain.

• When doing shots of alcohol, it is impossible to get rip-roaring drunk with anything fewer than 20.

• It doesn't matter if a man is old enough to be his lover's father, just so long as he isn't.

• Sex. People are having. Everywhere. All the time. And it's good. So very good.

Andrew R. Juhl is the desolation of smug.






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