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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Show everyone what you have to offer. Presenting your talents will attract new possibilities. Travel plans or long-distance communication will lead to a closer relationship with someone special. Think fast and act responsibly; you will get your way.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don't get involved in joint money ventures. Do your best to stay on top of whatever job you've been given. Strive to stabilize your position. Stick to basics, and don't get sidetracked by someone who is indulgent.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Playful actions could lead to positive personal changes. You can make home improvements as long as you budget wisely and leave enough money for something that improves your love life. Added discipline will help you establish your goals.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Keep your wits about you when dealing with money matters. Fast-talking sales pitches can be mesmerizing and lead to an impulsive purchase you will regret. Problems with instructions and competitive peers can be expected. Proceed with caution.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Make subtle personal changes, and you will win the support you need to press ahead with your goals. Love is highlighted, and playful interaction with someone special will bring you closer together. Beware of a false impression regarding someone's assets.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Get into the swing of things. Take part in community events, or delve into your family background and traditions. Someone you live with is likely to be unpredictable. Watch family spending carefully. Shop around, and you will find a bargain.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Participation and short trips will lead to satisfying personal changes. The ideas resulting from what you see and hear will not be immediately understood by everyone, but they can lead to new ideas and solutions. You can make a difference if you try.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Practice minimalism, and avoid feelings of regret. Venture down a path that offers something different from what you are accustomed to seeing, doing, and hearing. Let your intuition guide you. Stick close to the people who have always been there for you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Using force should be ruled out. You will accomplish more if you are witty, playful, and willing to be a team player. Positive changes at home will result in praise as well as personal comfort. Love will blossom if you are attentive.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Make personal changes that will ensure comfort and affordability. A show of emotion is not necessarily a sign of weakness. Share your thoughts, and resolve issues that have been weighing you down mentally and physically.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Put more effort into how you earn a living. Don't shy away from raising your awareness of what's going on in your industry, community, or economy. Pick up skills that are compatible with the changing marketplace.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don't make assumptions. Get the facts before you make a statement or a decision. Look for opportunities to address a concern you have as well as earn a little cash. Use your ingenuity, and be true to your beliefs.

To make a long story short:

• … change all of the characters to Hobbits.

• … add six more words to your already long-ass story.

• … rmv ll th vwls.

• … make the font smaller.

• … try to tell it before the waiter comes back with the food.

• … make it a Joss Whedon show on Fox.

• … die in the middle of telling it.

• … don't let George R.R. Martin ANYWHERE NEAR IT.

• … is a good way to gloss over the somewhat overt racism of the original story.

• … make it about an individual's experience as a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.

• … pump it full of coffee at a young age

• … don't let me tell it to you for like, I dunno, three weeks or so. Then, call me in the morning and tell me you really want hear the story as soon as I get home. Let me know you're hoping I take a good, long time telling it you because you've been waiting all day to hear it, wearing nothing but teeny red negligee. 35 seconds after I get home, the story's over.

• … the butler did it.

Andrew R. Juhl thanks Mallory Smith, Adam Burton, Shawn Harmsen, and Kyle Johnson for contributing to today's Ledge.

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