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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Spend time and money on your surroundings. The more comfortable and entertaining your home is, the easier it will be to entice others to visit. Investments, contracts, or settlements are encouraged. Don't undersell what you have to offer.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Ask questions, and take action. Don't share your plans. Surprising everyone will give you the upper hand. A short business trip will generate money, but don't go over budget, or it will be a wash. Get the most for the least.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don't slack, or you will ruin your weekend. You will benefit if you do your work according to instructions. Venturing off course is not advisable. Finish what you start, and make plans to enjoy socializing and the comforts of home.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Use your charm, discuss your plans, and spend time with someone you love. A trip will lead to an interesting purchase that allows you to show off your expertise in an unusual way. Gather information that will make you more appealing.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don't expect to get favors or get along with the people you live with. Problems with contractors, aging parents, or children are likely. Listen to grievances, but don't agree to something that is costly or unrealistic. Keep the peace.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Make plans to get involved in your community or socialize with friends. Experience will help you gain insight into a troubled situation, and sharing information will help you make an important decision. Don't let someone's ulterior motives fool you.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You'll be forced to make a move or a decision. Don't wait until your choices are limited. Check into every possibility and take action. Don't count on anyone to do things for you. Stay cool, stick to your budget, and move forward.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Express your thoughts and plans. Consider ways to improve your home and family life. Don't let someone from your past disrupt what you have worked so hard to build. A short trip or attending a reunion will promote an unexpected change.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Having too little information is making it difficult to decide your next move. Back away from anyone pressuring you. You need time to think, reflect, and decide what you want and need in your life.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You are in a good position to negotiate, and as long as you are reasonable, you will excel. Updating your look will play in your favor. Participate in an industry event. Physical activity will help you blow off steam.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Choose your words carefully. Someone will be hurt if you are too critical. Truth isn't always the best choice, so keep your opinions to yourself if you think they will be hurtful. Be supportive, affectionate, and willing to compromise.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Caution should be taken when it comes to sharing what you know or want to do. Don't trust anyone unless a waiver is signed. There is money to be made if you negotiate smartly. Don't promise more than you can deliver.



Andrew R. Juhl, Professor of Letters:

• Dear DNA: The exact Mendelian odds of me having the following combination were 1/64: my father's weak chin, my mother's splotchy skin, my father's big nose, my mother's elephantiac ears, my father's slow metabolism, and my mother's unibrow. I would have liked to have done better. Then again, I'm guessing so would have my parents.

• Dear Scientists of the World: It's 2014. You can quit with the hair-growth formulas, topical anesthetics, and boner pills; I want my robot armor and forearm-mounted laser cannon, already. What's the use of scientific progress if I can't use it to thwart the nefarious plans of Dr. Wily and/or Mother Brain?

• Dear Daydreams: Enough with the zombies. Think about race cars, or vampires, or waking up with the ability of flight for no apparent reason, but Enough. With. The. Zombies. Lately I've spent more time thinking about zombies than has Patti Hansen, and she's married to one.

• Dear Twinkie the Kid: It's a good thing you're fictitious, or else I would have hunted you and your entire family by now, stalking you all through the forest on a cloudy, moonless summer's eve, killing the lot of you in a spike of crème-lust, and then feasting headlong and neck-deep on your delicious, sugary innards like a hyena would a zebra on the vast African plains. But you are fictitious, so have a good Friday.

Andrew R. Juhl said, "Wait a minute, Mr. Postman." Then he got sued for using sexist language.






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