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Elliot: Winter take all

BY BEAU ELLIOT | NOVEMBER 18, 2014 5:00 AM

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Idle thoughts while idling away the day shoveling snow, slipping on ice, breaking an ankle, going to the hospital. That’s just a bruise, the nurse says helpfully.

Didn’t the glacier recede 10,000 years ago? So what’s all this white crap on my sidewalk? Yes, I know; you want to know about white crap, just ask any African American. Or Latino. Or people of Chinese or Korean or Vietnamese ancestry.

Yes, Virginia, sidewalk salt is bad for the environment. But breaking an ankle is bad for my own private environment. And Americans tend to live in their own private environments. Good luck with that global-climate-change thing. Especially now that Sen. James Inhofe will chair the Senate Environmental Committee. Inhofe, whose middle name is Mountain (Would I lie to you? Well, yeah, if we were playing poker [I have four aces]), believes more in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy than he believes in global climate change. So of course he should be in charge of the Environmental Committee. The next move Republicans will do is to put a cat in charge of the Mouse Committee.

Scoop and fling, scoop and fling. So much of life is like that. Have you noticed? Me, neither.

Do you suppose Sen.-elect Joni Ernst will ride into Washington, D.C., on the back of a pig? It would be fitting. After all, she loves to hog the attention.

Now, we all hate congressional pork — but here’s the thing (there’s always a thing; have you noticed?): Without at least a little congressional pork, Congress does nothing. Pork is the way each party keeps its caucus members in line to vote for a bill. No pork, no bill. It’s kind of like quantum entanglement, though nothing is really like quantum entanglement, possibly not even quantum entanglement itself. Life is like Salvador Dali; have you noticed?

Scoop and fling. Why is the watch melting while I’m so cold?

Where does this wind come from? Well, yes, Canada — I knew that. But why does the wind come from Saskatoon instead of, say, Vancouver? Vancouver is nice; Saskatoon may be nice, too, but its winds cut like steak knives through butter, and I don’t like being thought of as butter. Who does?

On the other hand, Saskatoon gave us Joni Mitchell. Yes, I know, another Joni. Our lives will be filled with Jonis. It’s probably a Chinese proverb or something. Maybe quantum entanglement.

Meanwhile, Iowa reports that the number of uninsured seeking health care at hospitals has fallen by 59 percent since the advent of Obamacare. Hmmm. Republicans must be right; Obamacare doesn’t work, and it should be repealed, along with Social Security and Medicare, which both work, too. No wonder it turns out that President Obama finds it easier to reach agreements with China than with Republicans.

What’s that tell you about Republicans? That we should replace them with Chinese? Or melting watches?

Scoop and fling, scoop and fling.

You ever notice that most Republicans come from warm (relatively speaking, Einstein) weather states, so for the most part, they don’t have to put up with shoveling snow and salting their sidewalks?

That probably means no more than melting watches.

That’s just a bruise, the nurse says helpfully.


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