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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Home improvement will help your productivity and your state of mind. Making a move or just rearranging your place to suit upcoming projects will help. Altering your living arrangements can help you cut costs. Don’t let your current professional position get you down.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Help colleagues, and you will build a strong alliance that will help you advance in your chosen field. Being a participant will lead to opportunities and greater expertise. Sign up for courses that will help hone your skills.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The larger activities going on at your home or workplace will help you see the pros and cons of your personal situation. Look at your alternatives, and consider experiences and financial costs in order to make a practical domestic decision.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Strive for perfection, and stay within your budget. Set limitations that will ensure you head down a practical path. A long-term partnership will add to your stability. Love is highlighted, and simple pleasures will be your ticket to a solid future.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Listen carefully, but don’t share your thoughts or feelings. Do your own thing, and make a point to learn something that will help you advance. Taking a course or practicing and honing a skill you want to develop will bring the highest rewards.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Emotions may flare up if you haven’t discussed your plans with someone affected by what you do. Your practical outlook will win out in the end if you are honest. A partnership with a friend, lover, or relative will lead to a prosperous future.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Sign up for a short trip or a course that will explore concepts or information that can help you advance. Don’t let someone at home dictate what you can and cannot do. Jealousy is apparent; it must not be allowed to disrupt your plans.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Evaluate your financial, emotional, and domestic situations, and you will come up with a solution that is innovative, cost effective, and stabilizing. Make a commitment to follow through with your plans, and don’t look back.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Help others, but make sure you get what you want in return. If you spell out your agenda, a partnership will develop that will bring continuous benefits to everyone concerned. Honesty will be a must to make this coalition work.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don’t mix business with pleasure. Focus on what’s at stake, and take a route that ensures your success. It’s OK to be different and to pave the path for those less innovative. Don’t let last-minute changes get in your way.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Put discipline into play, and you will be able to make the changes necessary to ensure your safety and your progress. Not everyone will be happy with your plans, so be discreet and diplomatic regarding your every move.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Open the door to friends, relatives, and peers. Share your thoughts, and you will discover you are not alone. Plans that can lead to a prosperous venture should be discussed. Home improvements can be put into play.



A partial list of things I should probably tell every prospective girlfriend

• My 401k is a burlap sack of old cheeses that I’m hoping will at some point grow some kind of medically useful, patentable mold.

• When it comes time for us to argue, I hope you know that I have no problems taking complete responsibility for my utter inability to make mistakes.

• Sometimes, I’ll come around the corner, and my cat will be on the bed, in her favorite spot, where she usually is, and it’ll scare me half-to-death. That’s just the Navy SEAL training at work, babe.

• I assume all instances of the phrase “I’m counting on you” are veiled threats, and I will not negotiate with terrorists.

• I am one of 11 living people on Earth who actually enjoys turnips. As a group, we meet annually in Toronto for a drunken, root-based bacchanalia and orgy. You will not be invited to come.

• If you can’t handle me at my worst, then that makes two of us. I’ll get the Scotch.

• There are times I love, and other times I hate, wearing flip-flops.

• Over the coming holidays, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I’m not going to be going anywhere dangerous; I’m just a narcissist.

• I only watch porn that passes the Bechdel test.

Andrew R. Juhl wonders if any of this knowledge will be useful at the Old Capitol Brew Works Pub Quiz, 8-10 p.m. today.






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