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Elliot: Vampire heaven

BY BEAU ELLIOT | NOVEMBER 04, 2014 5:00 AM

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Vampires. I should have written about vampires. That’s what all the famous writers do.

Probably because Americans seem to have a fascination with the “living” dead. Maybe Americans have a fascination with oxymorons, as opposed to regular morons, though Iowans’ apparent fascination with veteran hog-cutter Joni Ernst seems to contradict that.

Oh, well. Not having any knowledge about vampires in order to write about them (I’ve never seen one; have you?), I guess Republicans will have to do. Not that I would ever compare Republicans to vampires (or even with vampires). I mean, sheesh. What bad taste.

Not that I’ve ever been accused of having good taste.

Besides, who wants to give vampires a bad name?

Speaking of vampires, it’s Election Day, that hallowed day (not to be confused with Halloween, though confusion would be excused) on which we vote to dismantle the future.

Not that the future has been mantled yet, exactly, because it hasn’t happened yet. At least, that’s what we think.

That’s why we have a future tense, which I’m pretty relaxed about but which Americans have been dismantling for the last 20 or 25 years. Goodbye, future tense. Hello, muddle.

Muddle is pretty much what we’re probably in for after today’s vote, although, you have to admit, it’s been Election Day for the last two or three weeks, what with early voting and satellite voting. So Election Day itself (not to use a reflexive pronoun or anything) basically means an end to all those political ads.

We hope. (Remember hope? That seems so 2008, not to mention a song by the Beatles.)

One of those ads, on the radio, I admit, I wish could stick around for a while, because it’s such beautiful verbal slapstick. It’s an ad for Joni Ernst. (Yes, her again; she’s going to be our next senator, according to the polls, so don’t take her name in vain. I advise you not to take her name in vein, either. Complications might arise.)

In the ad, a woman with a very nice radio voice warns us about radical liberals (pay no attention to the oxymoron behind the curtain) flooding Iowa with their pernicious ads, backed by billionaire radical liberals, attacking Ernst. But Ernst is fighting back, keeping us free and ensuring our liberty.

Free from what? you ask. Good question. Free from political ads? But it is a political ad. Freedom seems a bit muddled.

And liberty is a statue in New York City, the home of billionaire radical liberals.

What’s truly great about the ad is that Ernst’s campaign has been fueled by money from the Koch brothers, the famous billionaire radical conservatives. So apparently, there are good billionaires and bad billionaires.

When I grow up, I want to be a good billionaire. No matter what the cost.

Anyway, it’s Election Day. Go out and vote. Or don’t, if you already have, because that would be bad billionaire behavior. Lord knows, we have more than enough of them to go around. Not that people go around much anymore.

And Republicans will probably take over Congress, which means that the federal government will do pretty much nothing at all. But that’s what it’s done for the last six years or so. Somehow, we muddle through.

Sheesh. Give me vampires any day.


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