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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Physical activity will get you heading in the right direction. Whether you dance, go to the gym, or do physical labor, you will ease your stress. A change in your daily routine will lead to new acquaintances that will influence your future.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Hold on to your cash. A joint venture will go sour. Lending to or paying for others will lead to loss of friendship and funds. Focus on gaining experience and establishing better relationships with friends, relatives, and peers.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Take the initiative, and make the first move. Open up about how you feel and your plans for the future. Romance will improve your relationship with someone special. A joint effort will allow you to accomplish twice as much.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Get your facts and plans straight before you press forward. Someone who wants to take over will apply unexpected pressure. Preparation and strategy will help you counter any obstacle that gets in your way. Play to win.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You've got what it takes to make things happen. Don't sit back and let life pass you by when you should be calling the shots and experiencing what life is all about. Live, love, laugh, and be happy. Romance is highlighted.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Take care of your personal, financial, and domestic responsibilities. Neglecting your duties will result in discord and disappointment. A disciplined approach, serious attitude, and insightful mindset will ensure that you bypass any interference.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Sign up for a course or book an adventure trip. Don't sit back and let time tick away. Take advantage of any opportunity to make new friends and pursue your interests. A makeover will give you a boost. Say "yes" to change and new beginnings.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don't go overboard. Stay within bounds, and stick to the rules. Save the unusual or unorthodox alterations for you and you alone. A chance to make a positive change at work is apparent.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Being eager and enthusiastic will rub off on the people you encounter. Your infectious attitude will draw interest from someone who is in a key position. Love is in the stars, but mixing business with pleasure is not a good idea.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Be careful with whom you share your secrets. Trying to make personal or physical changes will backfire, leaving you in an awkward position. Money can be made, but pursue profits individually rather than as part of a partnership.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You'll get all the help you need if you turn on the charm. Join a group, participate in a challenging activity, or invest in your financial or professional future. Speak from the heart, and make a promise to someone you love.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don't let someone's emotional manipulation cause confusion. You are best to look at the big picture, especially if money is involved. A partnership will need some guidelines put in place before you strike a binding deal.

General and unsolicited advice:

• If at first you don't succeed, try, try not to be such an unsuccessful loser.

• Regardless of how much you want a child, never resort to buying a baby off of the black market. My prices are always better.

• If you ever hope to truly love someone else, first you need to love yourself. Then, you need to film yourself loving yourself. Then, you need to post that video somewhere on the Internet and tell me where.

• Never criticize yourself. Leave that for others. Because you suck at it.

• If commercials airing during NFL games are any indication, the best way to avoid erectile dysfunction is to never be married to a woman over 50.

• Always keep in mind that one man's "good deed" is another woman's "Hello, 911? Andrew Juhl is naked, in my bed, and was waiting for me there when I got home from work."

• It only takes 10 minutes each day to waste 10 minutes each day.

Men, always remember that most women find few things sexier than a good husband and a good father with an enormous penis.

• There's no reason to be afraid of genetically modified foods. I know because a sentient potato with a demon face just told me so.

• Always leave a public restroom better than you found it.

Andrew R. Juhl recommends you not take any of his advice.

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