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Elliot: Jurassic parked

BY BEAU ELLIOT | SEPTEMBER 09, 2014 5:00 AM

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Recently, as Gail Collins of the New York Times merrily reports, Republicans seemed to have discovered birth control.

(Why couldn’t their parents have discovered birth control earlier? you ask. But you’re just being cynical.)

“Recently,” in this case, means this election season. (No, I’m not just being cynical. Neither is Gail Collins. She’s never cynical. Neither am I.) But you have to admit, it’s kind of funny that GOP candidates all over the election landscape are suddenly coming out in favor of over-the-counter sales of birth-control pills.

Yes, in Colorado, North Carolina, Virginia, and Minnesota, Republican candidates are cuddling up to the female vote in their own special way.

(Although, as Collins reports, Rep. Mike Coffman, R-Colo., who is running for re-election, had to be prompted by an audience member before he could finally spit out the words “birth control.” Which he supports, apparently. Even when he can’t recall the words. That’s support you just can’t buy. Well, you can’t; the Brothers Koch probably could. If they had ever heard of birth control.)

So what’s next? The Republicans will come out and say, Well, maybe it’s not entirely necessary that our local police forces be outfitted with military gear on the order of Navy SEALS.

Yeah, that will be the day. (OK, maybe I can be a tad bit cynical for a second or so every now and then. [Muffled laughter.])

All this birth-control stuff comes as a woman in rural Pennsylvania has been sentenced to nine to 18 months in prison because she provided her 16-year-old pregnant daughter what is described as a mail-order abortifacient. Apparently, the great news about Republicans and birth control hadn’t yet reached Pennsylvania.

Now, it could be that I’m just confused (that never happens; no, really). I mean, I’m not used to Republicans supporting birth control; I’m used to their wanting to bomb everything from Timbuktu to the Mandalay Peninsula. (Yes, I know — the Mandalay Peninsula is in South San Francisco. You know what Republicans think about San Francisco — they still think real Americans need a passport to go there.)

I mean, after the murders of two American journalists, haven’t conservative GOPers been demanding that President Obama bomb Syria back into the Stone Age? (And, by the way, when did Republicans start caring anything about American journalists? Is it only when they’re murdered?)

Of course, last I heard, Syria has been living in the Stone Age for the last few years, so bombing it back there seems superfluous, somehow.

So what should the U.S. do — bomb Syria back to the Mesozoic? That’s all the Syrians need at this point, a whole bunch of dinosaurs wandering hither and thither around the landscape. Although, it might give the Islamic militants some problems with their Caliphate.

Maybe we should just bomb everything and then try to pick up the pieces sometime later. I mean, that worked out so well in Afghanistan. And in Iraq.

And then, once we’ve picked up the pieces, we could hand out over-the-counter birth-control pills. It’s kind of a Republican plan, but it’s a plan.

(Do you ever wonder if Joni Ernst got the GOP memo on birth-control pills? Me, too. Keeps me awake at nights.)

Now, if only we could find where the Republicans parked the Jurassic.


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