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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Keep the changes you make a secret for the time being. Adding your unique flair to a job you do will leave a positive imprint. Implement a healthier lifestyle in your daily routine, and you will feel and look better.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Your plan will backfire if you are pushy or don’t do enough research. Romance can be your ticket to a better relationship. Creative contributions to an organization you believe in will be appreciated and could lead to an interesting proposition.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Confusion regarding a relationship will lead to sensitive discussions that can leave you in a vulnerable position. Choose your words wisely; once you say something, you cannot take it back. Give other people a chance to talk.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don’t let unexpected changes others make cause confusion or deter you from following through with your plans. Follow your heart and your intuition; it will lead to greater stability and a brighter future. Love is on the rise.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Jump into action, and make the alterations required to improve your life and professional position. Communicate with friends and relatives, and look for ideal places to visit. A change will do you good.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Uncertainty will prevail when dealing with personal or business partnerships. Take a step back, and look at the changes going on around you. Base your next move on the way others react and the consequences that unfold. Deception is apparent.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Be careful how you handle domestic situations. Someone will try to bully you if you make an unexpected change. It’s best to be secretive about your plans. A private or secret encounter will be based on assumptions and disillusionment.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Take a creative, innovative, and imaginative approach to finding solutions. Sticking to moderate plans will be your best bet. A professional offer isn’t likely to live up to its promise. Get what you want in writing.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don’t take anyone or anything for granted. Do your best to do your share. Changes you make at home or at work will benefit you if you are honest regarding your intentions. Don’t let an emotional situation lead to loss.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Try to remain balanced. Jumping from one thing to another will raise red flags with someone you are dealing with. Showing greater stability and diplomacy will be required if you want to make financial advances. Love is highlighted, but ulterior motives are present.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You can expect to come into money or be offered a contract or opportunity to improve your assets. A partnership will bring about positive changes to the way you move forward professionally or personally. A false impression must not lead you astray.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Your changing opinion and attitude can work in your favor. Keeping people guessing will buy you time to get your ideas formulated and plans in place. Love is on the rise, but deception is apparent. If you feel uncertain, ask questions.

What I Know About Women:

• Far too many women are concerned with their weight when what they should actually be concerned with is their mass. And their understanding of basic scientific terminology.

• “Babe, you look fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine in that dress,” is compliment that will get me sex later. “Babe, you look fine in that dress,” is compliment that will keep me from having sex later.

• A woman never forgives you so much as she transfers her anger from checking into savings.

• If television and magazine advertising is to be believed, most of them have incredible trouble pooping with any regularity.

• No group of educated people — including doctors — understands the reproductive needs of fertile women more thoroughly than elderly, male Republicans.

• No one man loves any one thing as much as any given woman loves hating an actress.

• Some women use cucumbers and other such vegetables in the bedroom, not realizing that men can provide women with two things no foodstuff ever could: unwelcomed catcalls and Internet harassment.

• 7 out of 1 of them is a Russian nesting doll.

• Many of them possess the fantastic capacity to love a man despite hating everything about him.

• A woman should not be defined by motherhood or marriage; a woman should be defined by impossible beauty standards.

• They expect ridiculous things from their partners, such as the ability to mind-read or be decent human beings.

Andrew R. Juhl might know even less than you. Find out today at the Old Capitol Pub Quiz, from 8-10 p.m.

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• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn

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