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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Be assertive, and follow a hunch. A service or skill you have to offer can be turned into a lucrative business venture. Express your thoughts, and put together a plan that will entice someone you’d like on your team.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Make suggestions, or discuss work-related matters with your peers. Your show of enthusiasm will help you gain respect and support. Don’t be afraid to use alternative means or methods to improve your efficiency, knowledge, or skills. Speak from the heart.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Look past the obvious. Situations will not be as they appear. An emotional setback will develop if you ignore what’s being said or done. Honesty and straightforwardness along with moderation and practicality will help. Ask for approval before making changes at home.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Look at your to-do list, and choose what’s most important. Putting your energy where it counts will help you avoid criticism. An unexpected change in a relationship must be handled with care. Follow through with whatever promise or commitment you make.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Take a closer look at your financial situation. Overspending will lead to added stress. Practice moderation, and look for cheaper ways to proceed with your plans. You may crave change, but stay within your means.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Feeling anxious is likely if you are uncertain about what others do or say. You are best to take a wait-and-see approach, especially where money matters are concerned. Don’t allow anyone to guilt you into parting with your cash.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Listen to, and sum up the changes being suggested. Look for a way to satisfy the people you care about or the cause you believe in without jeopardizing your position or disrupting your home and family life. Do your own job finding facts.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You will attract attention if you express your unique suggestions to your peers or someone who is in an influential position. Spending too much time with anyone will lead to a misunderstanding. Don’t let anyone take advantage of you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): False information from someone who isn’t trustworthy will set you back. Travel plans along with poor communication will cause uncertainty and could ruin the strategy you put in place. Have a backup plan ready to counter whatever comes your way.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Look, calculate, and follow through with your plans. You can move into a strategic position that will allow you to make decisions that are sure to improve your standard of living and future prospects. Say what’s on your mind.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Look for any professional opportunities. A shift in the way you do things will intrigue and entice someone to consider forming a professional relationship with you that should allow you both to prosper. Romance is in the stars.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Put passion, greater effort, and calculated plans into play, and you will get ahead personally and professionally. Size up what you have to offer and what’s being offered in return before you make a commitment. Emotional finagling is apparent.

A partial list of things I should probably tell every prospective girlfriend:

• I like to blow my cigar smoke out while standing with my hands on my hips so I look like Superman using his ice-breath powers.

• Unlike most men, I do not have a nickname for my penis. I refer to it by its full Christian name: Maximillian Hammercock Juhl.

• I have spent years refining an educated, sophisticated taste in Legos.

• I’m an old-fashioned kind of guy. I think it’s appropriate that we wait until at least the third date before I bend you over a cotton gin and have my way with you.

• People are always unjustly accusing me of having a persecution complex.

• After sex, I think it’s important to always have an honest discussion with each other about who won.

• I haven’t hit my rock bottom yet, but I’m finally almost willing to admit that I have a mining problem.

• I am absolutely devoted to any woman willing to be in an open relationship.

• When we go someplace nice, don’t expect me to dress any higher than to the sixes.

• What I look for most in a woman is someone who has a sense of humor about being incredibly attractive.

• I brush three times each day. My teeth are so white they own a timeshare in Branson.

• If truly loving you is wrong, then I will never be wrong.

>> Click here to submit an event!

• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn

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