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Gromotka: Iowa state politics, a seasonal cycle of rot and decay    

BY ADAM GROMOTKA | AUGUST 07, 2014 5:00 AM

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We’ve been graced by — or lucked out on receiving — a relatively cool summer, but the hot air and smog of disgusting state politics has made things feel plenty stuffy. We’ve seen worthless remarks over a wannabe senator’s ability to castrate pigs. Her opponent claims to not like farmers.

Apparently he thinks a law degree would somehow be more worthwhile when deciphering proposed laws in Washington. How dare he? Who knew hidden cameras captured so much treasonous activity?

A governor’s hidden payouts became the stuff of scandal … at least we remembered so for a few months before his people created a fake website to slam his gubernatorial opponent — who’s remained no louder than a jack rabbit about anything, really — before said proponents threw a spazoid fit over the importance of buying domain names on the Internet. According to the polls, we’ve forgotten that, too. Then again, much of the state is still learning that the Internet can go faster without the dial-up tone.

And let’s not forget the presidential hopefuls making their visits, tying their ties extra tight to keep from belching negativity about their own track records, information that’s about as frustrating as a gridlocked traffic jam in New Jersey.

Out-of-staters have more to laugh about than Iowa’s flat landscape, corn, and the fact that we’re often mistaken for Idaho. The state’s become a meat grinder for embarrassing campaign strategies. We never fail to give late-night TV something to babble about. No, we don’t grow very many potatoes, but maybe you’d like to try this bratwurst. Our swine are delicious.

Hollywood could make a comedic movie about our politics. In a state with a population that’s half the size of Long Island — but with an area about 40 times larger — we’ve seen adults shamelessly saying whatever they can, reduced to desperately waving their hands, Ooo-Ooo-ing like a classroom of children when the teacher offers a bite-sized Snickers for the right answer. Maybe the film could feature a scene where a political candidate gives a campaign speech to a field of corn. It’s only a matter of time before someone actually tries it. 

But it doesn’t matter, because these people will get votes. They’re all we’ve got. It’ll soon be fall, and we have to vote for someone. Listen faithfully to political commercial with shocking evidence.

Vote for someone based on widely encompassing but poorly defined ideals. Vote for someone whose publicized character will change colors in office, falling from the heights to the dirt of greed and immorality, decaying into mulch amongst the maggots to help the next batch of crooked trees grow tall. It’s the natural cycle. The leaves will change colors soon enough.


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