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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Take the initiative, and make things happen. Network until you connect with someone who has as much to offer as you. Don’t be shy; show off your talent. Someone is likely to be jealous of you and your ability.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Think before you say something you may regret. Your emotions will be over the top, causing you to make poor decisions when it comes to affairs of the heart. Focus on home, family, and securing your reputation and status.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Staying active will make a difference. What you can accomplish will bring you great joy at the end of the day. Leave time for love and romance or socializing with people who have a good influence on you mentally, physically, and emotionally.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don’t be fooled by someone showing interest in what you are doing. Ulterior motives are apparent. Don’t make a move until you feel safe and secure that you are doing what’s best for you. A control issue is likely to develop.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Embrace change. Take action, and follow your instincts. Get involved in something that grabs your attention, and someone you meet will quickly become a lifelong friend. Seize the moment, and the turn of events that will unfold could influence your future.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don’t take chances when it comes to business. Listen carefully, and take the safe and secure route. Someone is likely to withhold information or mislead you. Don’t let your personal life interfere with your work. Your professional and personal integrity must be maintained.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Take the initiative, and bring the people you care about or who you want to collaborate with together. Romance is in the stars and will bring you closer to someone special. A mini trip should be planned.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Keep your ideas to yourself, and carry out your plans in secrecy. Develop a unique idea, and it will be prosperous. Someone you know is likely to use emotional blackmail on you. Feeling insecure will result in poor choices.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Get home-improvement projects off the ground, or make changes at home that will make your life and your emotional situation easier. You will gain wisdom if you acknowledge what others have to offer. A difficult relationship will be riddled with deception.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may have to make some fast changes to an investment that is pending. Don’t leave your finances in someone else’s hands, or you will be disappointed, not to mention shortchanged. Put more effort into your important partnerships.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Protect your home and your health. Put time into personal improvements. Look for new ways to make your money work for you. A good investment will add to your personal security. Embrace change and let go of past regrets.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Keep your emotions in check and your eye on what’s important to you. Check out what everyone around you is up to, and make your next move. Invest in your ideas, and look for the right partner to collaborate with.

General and unsolicited advice:

• If you ever hear someone in an alleyway screaming “Help” — ignore it; it’s just a cry for help.

• Age 35 is the official cutoff for telling others about your “mad skillz.” After that, you are required to say that you are “proficient” at Mario Kart.

• Don’t be a middleman; people will continually try to cut you out. Never, ever participate in zero-tolerance initiatives.

• When it comes to oats, always go with steel-cut. People will tell you that other alloys, such as bronze or brass, are just as good, BUT THAT IS A DAMN LIE. In the end, I think you’ll find there are very few things in life as important as this decision.

• Never bring a gewgaw to a bric-a-brac fight.

• Remember that a proper lady never farts; a proper lady “drops ass.”

• The more realistic you keep your dreams, the more often your dreams are likely to come true. I recommend daily, achievable microdreams. Dream you’ll get that quarterly report done today by 5p.m. … 6 p.m. at the latest.

• Keep in mind that when you eat a hot dog, you’re not just eating that hot dog, you’re eating every hot dog that hot dog has eaten.

• Don’t be the “Don’t be that guy” guy.

Andrew R. Juhl recommends you not take any of his advice

>> Click here to submit an event!

• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn

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