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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Set your goals high. Self-improvement will result in compliments as well as recognition. Sharing your dreams will lead to good fortune and success as long as you don't let a last-minute change someone initiates stifle your plans.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don't let your emotions run wild. Take precautions, and refrain from taking on something you cannot finish. Pay attention to the people you love, even if you feel like you aren't getting enough in return. Mistakes are likely.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Chitchat will lead to divulging information that's best kept a secret. Boredom will be a direct result of having too much idle time. Spice up your life by incorporating new activities into your daily routine. Don't spend foolishly.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Someone is checking you out and considering what you have to offer. An unusually compelling turn of events will unfold if you take an interest in a cultural community activity. You can take part without making a commitment.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Showing off won't draw positive attention, but doing something special for someone in need will. Taking a short trip will be insightful and lead to new options regarding partnerships. An investment may tempt you, but fast-cash schemes are likely to lead to loss.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Show what you are capable of doing, and share your concerns with people heading in the same direction as you. Take credit where credit is due. Reconnecting with someone you have worked with in the past will lead to a job consideration.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Put greater emphasis on adding to your assets. Don't let what others think deter you from following through with your plans. Love and romance are highlighted, but a trust issue is apparent. Status may be questionable.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Money matters will turn in your favor. Look over contracts or settlements, and don't let an incident lead to making an impulsive move that you may regret later. Think matters through before taking action.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your ability to get things done will be impressive. Take stock of what's most important, and you will make substantial progress. Working from home can help you avoid interference, allowing you to accomplish more. Love is on the rise.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don't be too eager to share your ideas or plans. Do what needs to be done without drawing attention to what you are trying to achieve. An incident or mishap is likely to develop if you disagree with someone or you aren't careful.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Put time in at home or on self-improvement projects. A moneymaking idea should be considered. Love is in the stars, and romance will improve your personal life. An unexpected change will bring you good fortune. Don't hesitate to make a move.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Set up meetings with people you feel can contribute to something you want to pursue. Reunite with people you have worked with in the past, and you will gather interesting information regarding how you can move forward with your plans.

Lessons learned from a lifetime of watching movies:

• To stop land troops, simply stand with your back to them, raise your right arm bent at the elbow, and make a fist. This is the universal symbol for "WAIT AND BE QUIET, GUYS."

• When humans are finished having sex, they lie shoulder-to-shoulder, looking up at the ceiling, not at each other. This is their attempt to make peace with an unhappy and vengeful god.

• Weapons are plentiful and easy to come by. Never waste time reloading; there are more than enough fully loaded guns on henchmen you've already dispatched, and employers/governments rarely even notice when agents abandons their service-issued weapons.

• The beach is for sexy people. Ugly, fat, and gross people never go to the beach — not even to look at the sexy people.

• Despite the effectiveness and relative cheapness of exploding arrows, very few countries' infantries have embraced their use.

• When evading authorities, aliens, and/or assassins, you must still always make time for sex. (Bonus: The sex will be HOT.)

• The first complication in every marriage is when somebody makes an unfortunate toast at the wedding reception.

• Representing yourself in court doesn't make you insane, it makes you the plucky underdog. And just so we're all clear on this one: That judge may pretend to detest everything you say and do, but he — just like the rest of us — are rooting for you to beat this bum rap.

Andrew R. Juhl thanks a lifetime of watching movies for the jokes in today's Ledge.

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• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn

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