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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Present how you look, what you know, and who you are with finesse. A short trip or sharing thoughts with someone knowledgeable will help you make a decision regarding a relationship you have with someone. Cut your overhead by sharing expenses.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Refrain from taking on too much or overdoing or spending on things you don't need or that won't help you get ahead. Focus on stabilizing important relationships and discussing ways to improve your current situation. Hold off on making physical changes.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Revisit some of your past acquaintances and projects, and see if you can reunite or recycle. A change in the crowd you hang out with will introduce you to someone interesting, but caution must be taken. Avoid indulgent and unpredictable people.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Check out your options and look for a new way to use your skills and knowledge to earn a living. Don't let someone's unpredictable nature cost you. Size up your situation and take advantage of an opportunity to promote your ideas and talents.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Get out and mingle. Set your sights on participating in something energetic that can help you show off and attract attention. Romance is on the rise, and special plans will improve your love life. A day trip will be costly but rewarding.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don't jump into a fast-cash scheme. You can't believe everything you hear, and you must protect yourself against swindlers and con artists. If a deal sounds too good, back away. Put your effort into doing something special with your loved ones.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Communication, travel plans, and making arrangements with friends, relatives, or your lover will lead to interesting changes in your personal life. Get professional responsibilities out of the way so you can enjoy a little downtime without feeling anxious or worried.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Open up to new ideas and concepts. You can improve your physical and emotional wellness if you look into a healthier lifestyle. Attending a seminar or conference geared toward holistic medicine, exercise, and diet will be enlightening.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Listen carefully, and make changes based on the information you are given. Don't assume anything or you may end up with something you don't want. Precision and strategy will be required to ensure that your personal situation is in sync with your goals.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don't let anyone put demands on you mentally, physically, or financially. Problems with partnerships will escalate if you don't stand up for your rights. You may have to make a move in order to maintain your integrity.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Knowledge is key when it comes to financial and medical issues. Communicate with people who have a vested interest in the choices you make. A job opportunity will be worth checking out. Follow your heart and your dreams. Love is looking good.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don't fight the inevitable. Embrace change, and make it work to your advantage. You can stabilize your situation if you take a positive approach to whatever needs to be done to make your life better. Emotional arguments will lead to a stalemate.



Notes to Self:

• When your girlfriend extends her wrist and says, "smell," you should be reticent with your assessment of her new perfume. She may have decided that she likes it, and she may very well not appreciate you saying it smells "like a tween prostitute."

• Furthermore, the situation cannot be rectified with the later assertion that you "really enjoy the smell of tween prostitutes."

• When skinny dipping, never again do a cannon ball if you at all value your testicles.

• Also never again refer to one of your overly fertile cousin's newborns as "straight out of the box."

• Next time you negotiate your condo association's snow-removal-fee for the upcoming winter with the very attractive sale representative, find a better way to ask "How much will you charge to plow all 12 of us?"

• It's possible to walk faster than Hy-Vee's automatic sliding doors can open.

• The furnace is fine; there is no leak. You were in the basement doing laundry an hour ago, and you farted.

• Brush your teeth or poop. Don't try to multitask. Also: Buy new toothbrush.

• Your cat likes to attack the "Blanket Monster." You know this. You tap your hands under the blanket in order to provoke such attacks. You have no reason to be upset, then, when the cat mistakes a morningwood tent for the Blanket Monster.

Andrew R. Juhl wishes he was kidding about that snow-removal-fee story.






>> Click here to submit an event!

• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn


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