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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don’t let an argument with a friend, lover, or colleague develop into something that is irreversible. Put emotions aside, and take on a physical or mental challenge that will help ease stress. Focus on the positive.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You will find out interesting facts from a friend or a neighbor. The information might not be directed at you, but you will benefit if you apply it to your situation. Personal and domestic alterations will turn out favorably.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Look for any vocational opportunity that seems interesting. The time is right to delve into something that allows you to use your imagination and originality. Moneymaking propositions are apparent. Invest in your future. Ask experts for advice. Love is on the rise.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Sharing your thoughts and feelings can be liberating and can help you weed out any acquaintances who are bringing you down or holding you back. Let your intuition guide you to make the right choices. Be a leader, not a follower.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Take action, make personal alterations, or visit places or people that will motivate or inspire you to make a move. Change should be welcomed and considered an indicator to follow through with plans that can help you reach your chosen goals.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Engage in neighborly activities. Find out what everyone is up to, and contribute your own suggestions. You’ll make new friends and improve your local environment. Collect or pay off outstanding debts. A favor will be granted, but find out what’s expected in return before accepting.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You may feel like doing things differently or making an impulsive move, but you are best to wait and see what transpires around you first. Instability will force you to make changes to your plans.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Knowledge is key, so delve into research mode, and absorb all you can. Don’t let an emotional issue that crops up slow you down. You are best to let go of your past sorrows and focus on your future.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Take better care of yourself. Focus on home, family, and adding more comfort and joy to your relationships and your surroundings. A financial deal looks favorable and can help you raise your standard of living. Romance is highlighted.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Stay in the background, where you can be an observer. The less said, the easier it will be to avoid trouble. Steer clear of anyone acting unpredictably or unreasonably. Do your best to secure your home, family, and your important relationships.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Let your creativity shine through in all that you pursue. Making professional changes may be daunting at first, but if you do your best, you will overcome any minor obstacles. Spontaneity coupled with good decisions will buy you time and positive recognition.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Spice up your looks and your life. A prosperous venture is apparent and should be considered. Contracts can be formulated and signed, and a commitment made in both personal and professional pursuits. Aggressive action will bring good results.

A partial list of things I should probably tell every prospective girlfriend:

• Sometimes, I’m so obnoxious, that two complete strangers will roll their eyes at one another about something I just said. THOSE ARE THE MOMENTS I LIVE FOR.

• Chromatography results indicate that my favorite chair is 57 percent Doritos fart, 43 percent actual chair.

• It’s taken years for me to come to terms with — and accept — the fact that a large part of me will always be a fantastic penis.

• I’m not above cleaning my gums with the hem of the T-shirt I’m currently wearing. I use the INSIDE of the hem, though; I’m not completely classless.

• I once ran a sub-three-hour half-marathon.

• I have a teardrop tattoo underneath my left eye because they killed-off Batman in the comics. I … did not foresee them bringing the character back.

• I’m one of Iowa City’s greatest philanthropists if a philanthropist is someone who eats a lot of bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddles.

• On my own, I make some pretty good paella. But when I collaborate with Jay-Z …

• I’m not into role playing in the bedroom anymore because one time there was a miscommunication, and I had to participate in a serious relationship talk while dressed like a naughty French maid. It was humiliating. And not in the good way.

Andrew R. Juhl is a palindrome for something meaningless.

>> Click here to submit an event!

• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn

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