New Feature! Sudoku below Horoscopes and Ledge, play online or print it out!

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Spice thing up a little. Get involved in physical activities. Idle time will be the enemy. Keep things moving, and take care of your responsibilities before someone criticizes or complains. Keep your plans a secret until you have the details worked out.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You’ll have a growing interest in foreign culture and different philosophies. Ask questions, and share thoughts with someone who has had different experiences than you. What you learn now will help you make better personal choices in the future.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): A misunderstanding will lead to trouble. If you don’t specify exactly what it is you want and have to offer, emotional matters will escalate and problems will occur. A personal relationship is likely to interfere in your professional progress. Proceed with caution.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Get professional challenges out of the way. Your ability to intuitively see what’s required in order to be successful will help you get ahead of any competition you face. Offering a favor to someone you do business with will result in greater opportunities.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Take flight. Getting out and visiting places that are unfamiliar will spark new ideas and plans for the future. Shake things up a bit, and you will discover all sorts of possibilities you didn’t know existed. Embrace life.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Express your feelings. Sharing your thoughts and intentions will lead to a positive move. Relationships will reach a new level, and making plans will bring you closer to someone you love. Someone from your past will offer you help.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You’ll have a good idea, but if you don’t initiate your plan, you won’t get ahead. Let your imagination lead the way and dazzle those you encounter with your vision. Constructive input will help you achieve success.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Explore new people, places, and pastimes. Get out and share your thoughts. The people you meet will inspire you, and you’ll be touched by the offers you receive. Love is highlighted, along with self-improvement and creativity.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You are likely to detect uneasiness when dealing with friends, colleagues, or your lover. Emotional problems will surface if someone withholds information. Don’t confront a confusing situation until you have all the facts. Focus on work and getting ahead professionally.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Discuss the plans you have for your home or the way you want to live your life. You can make your dreams come true if you share your vision and invite the people you care about most to contribute. Romance is highlighted.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Consistency will be the key to getting ahead. Don’t jump from one thing to another. Finish what you start, and focus on fine detail and precision. You will be judged on the work you do, so make it count.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Look for entertaining ways to spend your time. Getting involved in an organization that can offer you mental and physical stimulation will also guide you toward new friendships with individuals trying to reach similar goals.

Things said that have gotten me fired:

• I didn’t take this job because I gave a damn. I took this job for the free T-shirt.

• Want me to Irish up that coffee for you, Boss?

• Like I’m really gonna wash my hands every five minutes. I mean, seriously, it’s only food. It’s not even cooked, yet.

• Wanna see what I put in the fryer?

• Oh my goodness, I’m sorry — I just assumed you were a lesbian.

• Five bucks says I can make that jump.

• I don’t think I can make it in today. I’m sick. Of working there.

• Sir, this is the “Customer Service Counter,” not the “Listen to Nutball Assholes Complain Counter.”

• Oh? And is that what they taught you in your “How to be a Stupid Manager” class?

• Swordfight.

• “Technically” I didn’t “graduate.”

• I am NOT hung over. I am still drunk.

• Sorry, I’m on my break … and you look like a douche bag.

• Because I was driving a company car, then I would argue the company has an OWI.

• Yeah, doing this job is OK and all, but have you ever tried doing this job … ON WEED?

• I bet when Transformers have sex, pretty much everything turns into a vibrator. Oh, sorry, didn’t see you there, sir. Welcome to Circuit City.

• Whatever. You can’t fire me.

Andrew R. Juhl has an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets.

>> Click here to submit an event!

• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn

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