Elliot: Vocal chords reign

BY BEAU ELLIOT | APRIL 22, 2014 5:00 AM

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In the years of Obamacare, we seriously wondered whether Republicans were ruining their vocal cords by fulminating at full volume, for year after fulminating year, against the dastardly, pro-Soviet, thoroughly un-American law.

And by “we,” I mean almost all of us.

(Well, OK, by “we,” I mean Virginia and me, when we’re alone. Of course, we’re never truly alone, because the NSA is always there, keeping a wary eye on terrorists. Not that Virginia and I are terrorists or anything, but we do feel so much safer knowing that the NSA is always there, even if we don’t say so on email. Don’t you feel so much safer? We thought so.)

In the years of Obamacare, we worry about Republicans’ vocal cords (not vocal chords, Virginia, though it is a charming mistake — these are the things we have to say to our friends so that we remain friends; you know how it goes) so that we don’t have to worry about Cliven Bundy. Or what’s going on with Sen. Ted Cruz and Sen. Rand Paul.

What’s going on with Cruz and Paul? you wonder. Actually, not all that much. Oh, Washington Post conservative columnist (yes, Virginia, the Post has some of those, contrary to popular belief) Jennifer Rubin ruminates about the split between Cruz, who is apparently on cruise control and Paul, who has apparently painted himself into a tea-party corner. Just going by Rubin.

By the way, saying “Rubin ruminates” does not mean we think Rubin is a cow (or a goat or sheep or deer).

Not that we were worried that you might think that, because of course you know the difference between “ruminate” and “ruminant.” Even though they come from the same Latin word.

We’re not worried about ruminants, even though they involve Cliven Bundy, because in the years of Obamacare, we’re only worried about GOP vocal cords. Though vocal chords is becoming more attractive, especially when it comes to Republicans.

Also, there’s the American dash rash.

You didn’t hear about that? Americans, according to various reports, some dating back to the 19th century (not that many of us remember that era, contrary to reports) use the em dash far too often. You know the em dash — it looks like this “—.” Not to go into punctuation heaven or anything.

Apparently, Americans are running through em dashes even faster than they are running through gasoline for their various vehicles, and someday soon, coming to a climate-challenged location near you, there will be an em-dash shortage.

And then, how will we write? How will we dash off an email or a text?

But in the years of Obamacare, we don’t worry about that. Another worry dashed.

We do ruminate, occasionally, about Cliven Bundy and his cows (which are ruminants, but you knew that). Bundy is the Nevada character who persists in grazing his cows on federal land but refuses to pay the fees required to do so. Refuse, in this case, means rounding up a bunch of armed supporters to prevent the government from rounding up his offending cows. (Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., calls his supporters domestic terrorists. Hello, NSA.)

Bundy owes the federal government something on the order of $1 million, given that he hasn’t paid the fees since 1993. He hasn’t paid because the federal government is illegal or something in Nevada.
Who knew?

In the years of Obamacare, we don’t worry about that. We mean, cows? Really? Where’s the beef?

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