Elliot: Loving the Drug Putin

BY BEAU ELLIOT | APRIL 08, 2014 5:00 AM

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This is your brain on the Drug Putin:



Nice, huh? Oh, I know you’ve heard the Drug Putin is a mellowing, relaxing substance that doesn’t harm you at all, that it increases your focus and productivity, that the people of Crimea swear by it.
And that’s all well and good, but if it’s true, why, as the Drug Putin creeps closer and closer, are so many Ukranians making plans to move to Brussels? (Hint: It’s not for the famous sprouts.)

Of course, to be fair, if your brain on the Drug Putin is populated by wide-open space with no discernible electron activity, whatever substance the Obama administration is employing to counteract the Drug Putin is utterly unknown. Probably even to the members of the Obama administration.

And what drug some Americans were on when they suggested a military strike to counter the Drug Putin is also unknown, but it must have been powerful stuff. If I did any drugs, I’d ask around to see where I could get some.

I mean, the War on Drugs has been so successful — you know, kind of like the Edsel. (No, Virginia, I do not remember the Edsel; I’ve just read about it, and that was hilarious enough. Did you know that the Ford major honcho who persuaded Ford to bail on the Edsel was Robert McNamara, who 10 or so years later as secretary of Defense, refused to bail on Vietnam? Neither did I, till I looked it up.)

Probably the War on Drugs should be renamed the Edsel on Drugs. About the only thing it did was lock up a tremendous number of young African-American males who, it seems, would not have been locked up had they been white.

And who, in her or his right mind (because right minds know no sex, which does not mean what you immediately thought) would send the U.S. Navy into the Black Sea to take on the Drug Putin? I mean, the British Empire, at the height of its power, took on Russia over Crimea in the 19th century, and the last I heard, it didn’t work out so well.

Drugs. Everybody seems to be on drugs. When the bonobo (which I prefer to spell beaunobeau) and the robots take over, which they will, they will look back at this era and label it Drug World.

Speaking of which, what drugs was the Joni Ernst campaign on with the castrating pigs fiasco?

You remember Joni Ernst — she’s running for the Senate seat that will be open because Sen. Tom Harkin will retire. And you will remember that she became famous — some would say infamous — by sending out a video proclaiming she is fit for the Senate because she has castrated so many pigs.

Which became an overnight sensation, so her campaign, not satisfied, sent out an invitation to watch her video that included a picture of a pig.

Only the pig turned out to be a Danish pig in Denmark. The Ernst campaign apparently couldn’t find an Iowa pig. Apparently, we don’t raise any pigs here in Iowa, because Ernst successfully castrated so many.

So the Ernst campaign responded with the message that the hog “was born and raised in Holland but eventually legally emigrated to Iowa.”

I love that “legally emigrated” part, because one immigrates to Iowa, not emigrates. Also, the Dutch and the Danish know that they’re not the same country, even if the Ernst campaign does not.

The Drug Putin is taking over the world. You know what it looks like.

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