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Elliot: It's all Obama's fault

BY BEAU ELLIOT | MARCH 11, 2014 5:00 AM

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Some big news broke last week, and it left most of us slack-jawed. (Those of us without jawbones, anyway.)

No, not Ukraine. (Ukraine, I kraine, we all kraine for Ukraine.) Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Crimea was predictable, given that a chunk of his navy is based there. And besides, look what Russia did to Georgia a few years back, and there was no navy involved.

(No, not the Georgia with Atlanta, the Georgia with Tbilisi. You keep going on like that, I’m going to think you’re one of the 11 percent. See below.)

The big news last week, as reported by the Los Angeles Times, was that 11 percent of Americans in a survey believed that HTML was an STD.

No, really.

The LA Times also reported that the survey showed that 27 percent thought “gigabyte” was a non-slack-jawed insect in South America, 42 percent thought a “motherboard” was “the deck of a cruise ship,” 23 identified an MP3 as a Star Wars robot, 18 percent thought “Blu-ray” was a marine animal, 15 percent believed “software” is comfortable clothing (though they didn’t detail what “comfortable” might mean, which I thought was mean), and 12 percent thought USB is the abbreviation for a European country. (They apparently weren’t sure which European country that might be, but there are so many of them, you know? See Georgia and Tbilisi, and try to pronounce the name of the capital.)

Hilarious stuff, right? I mean, we all like to think that we’re smarter than the doorknobs around us, and this just proves it.

Except that many media outlets have raised serious questions about the scientific basis of the survey, including iMediaEthics and Salon, through its Future Tense collaboration. It turns out that an outfit called 10 Yetis, which represents Vouchercloud, a British coupon service, conducted the survey via email among some 2,000 Americans 18 and older. (Yeah, I believe that last bit, too.)
It’s probably all President Obama’s fault. I mean, everything else is, right?

Well, if you listen to conservatives, that is. Leftists, too.

Drones are everywhere in the skies? Obama’s fault. Russia invades Crimea? Obama’s fault. A Malaysian jetliner disappears over the South China Sea? Obama’s fault. That it is named the South China Sea? Obama’s fault.

So, Obama is also undoubtedly at fault for the Sun rising in the west last week. (You didn’t hear about that? Where’s your head — in the clouds?)

See, just another failure of the Obama administration, GOPers crowed, noting that it once again proved there was no global warming.

If the Sun is rising in the west, it’s just another indication that there is no global warming, there’s global cooling, and that’s why the Sun wasn’t comfortable rising in the east, several Republicans said.

And that’s Obama’s fault, because his cool delivery of speeches has chilled the planet and thus has allowed the Sun to shift trajectory and also allowed Russia to invade Ukraine. President Vladimir Putin would never have invaded Ukraine if the Sun still rose in the east. I mean, do you think he’ crazy?

You needn’t answer that.

In other news, it turns out that because of global climate change, avocados might disappear. And thus, guacamole, too. I happen to detest avocado, and thus, guacamole, too, so it’s no big deal for me.

But.

There’s no doubt whether that’s Obama’s fault, too.


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