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ARIES (March 21-April 19): You'll struggle to get the credit you deserve, but in the end, your hard work, dedication, and ability to adapt to whatever conditions you face will be recognized and rewarded, so don't be too quick to judge or to give up.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Make plans that include love and adventure, but keep whatever you are going to do close to home. Spend quality time with someone special, or sign up for an event that is sure to bring you wisdom and food for thought.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don't deviate from the truth, especially in an interview or when offering your services. Refrain from gossiping or engaging in any form of interference to protect your reputation. Your concerns should be your goals and advancement.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Show interest in ethnic or cultural differences in your community. The more you discover, the more it will help you define how you want to live in the future. Travel will spark your imagination and your love life.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don't be afraid to suggest a change to a contract, proposal, or any matter that has to do with investments, legalities or medical concerns. Take control, and get what you feel is necessary to turn what you want into a reality.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Share celebratory news with someone special. Your sincerity and generosity will bring you closer to the personal goals you have planned for the future with your loved ones. Play as hard as you work, and you'll achieve happiness and satisfaction.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Something will be brought to your attention that calls for a snap decision. Don't let complaints fester. Jump into action, and use your intuitive intelligence to make the alterations required to smooth things over.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Explore new and unusual avenues. Check out different cultures and lifestyles that suit your current situation. Knowing what fits you best in terms of living arrangements and opportunities to excel will lead to a good choice and a much-needed change.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Kick back, and enjoy what's offered. Mix the past with the present, and share memories with old friends, but don't exaggerate, or you will be put in an awkward position. A move may be tempting, but overspending must be avoided.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Share your thoughts, but don't force your opinion on others. Offer honest feedback if you want the same in return. Impulsive actions will be met with resistance and create the need to rethink your strategy. Focus on your accomplishments, not on changing others.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Jump into action. Make decisions, but don't let anyone coerce you into something that doesn't fit your agenda. Your versatility and intuitive insight will enable you to present an innovative picture that is sure to impress someone influential.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Share your vision and intentions. Once you have everything out in the open, you will be free to move forward in a fashion that suits your needs. Strive for greater security and stability, and you will get what you want.

General and unsolicited advice:

• Don't be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. Be in a relationship to bring some small amount of meaning to your empty, worthless life.

• Whenever someone says, "From there, it's a slippery slope to …" get ready to listen to some unsubstantiated bullhooey.

• The actual quality of a restaurant is inversely proportional to size of the piss puddles beneath its men's urinals.

• Get out of gift-giving and get into party-planning; the people who you would've given those gifts to will appreciate the party and some time spent interacting with friends and loved ones infinitely more than a wrapped present. Though nice, unwrapping a present is like climaxing; pretty great for a second or two, but after it's over, you just want to clean up and eat some pizza.

• Be careful with metaphors. A good metaphor is like a child; you love it, you care for it, it's important to you to watch it grow in intelligence and complexity. But sometimes a child just … sucks. And that's when you just need to take the child out back and shoot it.

• Remember to always believe in yourself, because if you believe in yourself, you'll probably believe in pretty much anything, you big gullible dope.

Andrew R. Juhl suggests you take a whiskey-tasting class and study hard for the finals.

>> Click here to submit an event!

• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn

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