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Elliot: Scientific nonspeak

BY BEAU ELLIOT | FEBRUARY 25, 2014 5:00 AM

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So, it’s not bad enough that winter is stuck on Jan. 4 and seemingly believes that Iowa City is located in the middle of Alberta, Canada. Which is less fun than it sounds like.

But we also have to put up with some of our American brethren whose grasp of science is apparently limited to: If an apple falls from a tree, Newton invents gravity.

No, really.

According to a study by the National Science Foundation, conducted in 2012 and released a couple weeks ago (thank-you, NPR, for emailing me the story), 26 percent of Americans believe the Sun revolves around the Earth.

Yes, really. A quarter of Americans live somewhere before the 16th century. Galileo and Copernicus are revolving around their graves.

The study also found that a mere 48 percent of Americans believe in human evolution. The other 52 percent apparently missed the news bulletin because they were watching Fox.

Spring, meanwhile, is stuck in Argentina. It will get here eventually — I have that on good scientific authority (the tea leaves in my morning cup of gindong, and if you haven’t tasted gindong, you haven’t tasted tea), because all the nations of the world revolve around the United States. It’s called plate tectonics or some damn scientific diddly-doo.

If you somehow don’t believe that, you can call me on your phone.

Well, you can try to call me, but you might have trouble getting through, because of all the star-struck women who somehow got my number. You might also have trouble because I don’t have a phone.

Well, technically, that’s not true — I have a phone, but it’s dead, and, in any case, I don’t have any service.

Who would carry around a dead phone that doesn’t have any service? you say.

Me. I mean, who else cares about all the dead phones out there? What a lonely life they lead.

Dead phones somehow remind me of Ted Nugent, the alleged rocker. He likes to say stuff, and recently he graced us with his opinion of President Obama:

“I have obviously failed to galvanize and prod, if not shame, enough Americans to be ever vigilant not to let a Chicago communist-raised, communist-educated, communist-nurtured subhuman mongrel like the Acorn community organizer gangster Barack Hussein Obama to weasel his way into the top office of authority in the United States of America.”

“Weasel his way”? There is the small matter of the GOP running two candidates who somehow managed to be duller than photos of other people’s ancestors.

I would never say Ted Nugent has sh*t for brains, because that’s vulgar and uncalled for. I might say things that are uncalled for, but I try not to be vulgar. “Vulgar” comes from the Latin “vulgus,” which means common people. Those are my people to a “T.” (Not that “common people” contains a “T,” but details, details.)

Also, to say Ted Nugent has doo-dah, doo-dah for brains implies that Nugent has brains, and I would never go that far. I’d want some scientific inquiry first.

I’d probably say, were I so provoked, that Ted Nugent has manure for cognizance.

Well, at least his vegetables grow well. If only he wouldn’t plant  them on his skull.

Meanwhile, the number of American clowns has fallen drastically in the last 10 years, NPR cheerily informs us, citing a report from the organization Clowns of American.

Hmm. Obviously, that report failed to take into account Iowa City drivers.

Or some Americans.


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