New Feature! Sudoku below Horoscopes and Ledge, play online or print it out!

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Take care of business. Don't get dragged down or into a situation that has the potential to make you look bad. Keep things moving along without complication, and you will show your strength and ability to get things done.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Stay focused on what you need to accomplish. Don't get involved in rumors or office politics. Put greater emphasis on what you have to offer and the ways you can diversify in order to make the most professionally and financially.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Follow your heart, and go in the direction that suits you best. Refuse to let anyone railroad you into something you know little about. Express your thoughts, and push for what you want to see unfold. Taking the initiative will be your best course of action.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Get involved in your community or in an activity that will add to your knowledge regarding a skill you have. Finding ways to improve will take you in a new direction that may be questioned by friends or relatives.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): A short trip or conversation with an expert will help you make a decision that will alter your course and help you find the satisfaction and happiness you desire. Don't look back when forward motion has so much to offer. Follow your heart.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Take it easy, relax, and enjoy your friends. Go shopping for something that will help update your appearance. Spend some time socializing with someone you love to be with.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Tie up loose ends before someone brings them to your attention. Complaints will end in hard feelings and a change in an important relationship. Now is not the time to overreact. Just get things done, and live up to any promises you made.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Have some fun, learn something new, and venture into unfamiliar territory. It's time to expand your mind, your friendships, and your interests. Romance will improve your life and lead to a personal change that will make you happy.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): It's important to have a clear picture of your situation, surroundings, and what other think or want to do in order to make a judgment call that can determine your future. Have a heart-to-heart talk before making a personal or professional decision.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don't tamper with something that is working. Step back, and watch things unfold. The less you do or say, the better. You will be blamed for whatever goes wrong if you decide to interfere. Don't try to change others.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Strategize and push to activate your plans. Don't be shy; express your thoughts, and use your skills openly to reach your goals. Rewards will come your way along with recognition and praise. Stand tall, and be proud of your accomplishments.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Ease your stress by making the changes that will help you achieve stability in your life personally, financially, and physically. A chance to help someone you have worked with in the past will lead to a new and prosperous opportunity.

General and unsolicited advice:

• As people get older, they enjoy celebrating their birthdays less and less. I find it helps to think of yourself not as getting "older" but as getting "deader." More "corpsy," if you'd prefer.

• Never go to the grocery store hungry, the mall broke, or the retirement home horny.

• Quit searching for "inner beauty"; inner beauty is myth. It's not worth searching for, let alone finding, for to find inner beauty is to dig blood and viscera and slimy, stringy, smelly, squishy squickitude. Inner beauty is anything but beautiful, and it's definitely best left unwitnessed. Admittedly, I'm extrapolating from my experience with fetal pigs, but I'm told humans are remarkably similar.

• Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent, dumbass.

• If you don't have a television, but you still watch tons of TV and movies via your laptop or tablet, then you have absolutely no right to be condescending about "not owning a television." It's like derisively telling people you don't own a swimming pool because you prefer to do laps in a hot tub.

• If anybody ever advises you to "just be yourself," it's because they don't care enough to think up (or honestly don't have) any actual advice for you.

• Asking if something counts as cheating on your S.O. counts as cheating on your S.O.

Andrew R. Juhl hides his depression behind superfluous exclamation points!!!!! despite F. Scott Fitzgerald's advice on exclamation points.

>> Click here to submit an event!

• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn

In today's issue:

Privacy Policy (8/15/07) | Terms of Use (4/28/08) | Content Submission Agreement (8/23/07) | Copyright Compliance Policy (8/25/07) | RSS Terms of Use

Copyright © The Daily Iowan, All Rights Reserved.