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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Stay in line. Don't ask or look for trouble. Meddling will lead to an argument. Protect your reputation, and show compassion for those around you. It's better to be safe than sorry.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Chase your dreams. Plan a vacation, sign up for a course, or indulge in something that will help build your confidence. Put romance at the top of your list, and make plans to socialize or engage in a one-on-one evening of fun.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Jump into action at work, and establish a position that will raise your profile. Don't feel the need to overspend when what's required is dedication, hard work, and concern for others. Push your way to the forefront using class, dignity, and mindfulness.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Frustration is likely if you are dealing with a friend, child, or partner who is trying to guilt you into something. Think before you act, and you will avoid making a mistake. An unusual offer will enhance your life.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Look for a chance to show off your skills. You will draw scrutiny if you make an unusual choice. A money deal or move to a better location will require sufficient legwork before you set your plans in motion.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A sudden change in your financial situation is likely if you have bought into a get-rich-quick scheme or overspent on something you don't need. An event that is geared toward connecting with old colleagues or friends will bring you interesting opportunities.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Self-reliance is your best bet. Don't count on anyone at home to agree with your plans or help you out. Talk to the people who share your concern or interest, and move forward. Equality in any partnership you form will be a must.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Trust in your judgment and your abilities. Develop your ideas, and don't be afraid to be a little different. Travel plans should be made but not executed until a later date. Romance will help improve your relationship with someone you think is special.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Check out what everyone around you is doing before making a move. Emotional matters at home can be resolved if you are willing to make a couple of changes. Listen to what others say, but get the facts before responding.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don't be daunted by what others do or say. Step around any negativity you come up against. Go it alone, and you will reach your goal. Lean toward a conservative deal, and question anyone trying to sell you the impossible.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Get involved in something that will enhance who you are and what you can do. Don't feel the need to pay for others or to take on a burden that doesn't belong to you. Concentrate on getting ahead, not on helping someone else advance.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Put your ideas out there, and get involved in events or organizations that can use your expertise and talents. What you have to bring to the table will also be your calling card for new opportunities and adventures. Romance is highlighted.

I'm better on paper.

• What I meant: "My new prescription is interacting with my old one in an odd way"; What I said: "I've been having a bit of a drug problem lately."

• After three cans in a single afternoon, I once remarked to the HR rep that I had a bad Coke habit.

• At a bar, I once clumsily hit on a rather short woman by telling her I liked little girls.

• BWW's smell sometimes makes me nauseated; not, as I once told a Rubenesque blind date, the smell of BBWs.

• To ask for clarification on a task, I once IM'd my female boss, "Hey, are you busty?"

• "How much Scotch would you like?" is the proper way to ask your future mother-in-law a question. "How many fingers do you take?" is not.

• After a full day using paint-stripping gel, the fumes and effort had made me extremely tired. Still, my neighbors were justifiably curious when I told them "that stripper almost made me pass out."

• As I played Call of Duty, my fiancée made a very nice vegan dinner for the two of us, so perhaps "I'd rather die first" was not the best choice of words when she asked if I was ready to eat it.

Andrew R. Juhl had never had crabs until he met his future wife.

>> Click here to submit an event!

• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn

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