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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Emotional upset and anger will not solve any personal problem that arises. Take the quiet, observant approach, and document anything that is bothering you. Impulse will lead to a no-win situation and potential loss. Bide your time.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Make plans to get together with friends, or delve into a hobby or activity that brings out your best. Make travel plans, or sign up for a conference or course that will enlighten you. Expand your interests and meet new friends.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don't make a move because you are uncertain about your current direction. Know exactly what you want to do and where you want to go before you initiate any plans. Put thoughts on paper, and research the possibilities.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Lighten up, and let your imagination take you on a journey. Look at the possibilities, and discover what's available to you. Changing the way you live or where will revitalize you. Initiate love and romance to enhance your personal life.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Do your best to please those who are counting on you. Added responsibilities are likely. Handle whatever you are given swiftly, and you will gain control and respect. Once you are in the driver's seat, you can make the changes you want.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Last-minute changes will take you by surprise. Stay on top of any joint investments. Don't let an emotional relationship cost you. Love is in the stars, but that doesn't mean you have to spend in order to gain someone's attention.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Ease into whatever you do. Expect to face opposition. Look for ways to appease everyone you have to deal with without compromising your own position. An unusual approach to problem-solving will give you the edge you need to excel.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Travel and dealing with people from different backgrounds will lead you on an adventure. Love and romance are highlighted; they should be incorporated into whatever plans you make. Let your intellectual wit and keen intuition lead the way.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don't wait for someone to ask for an update regarding a financial, legal, or medical matter. Get your personal papers in order, and be prepared to discuss whatever needs to be done so you can make the adjustments that will make you happy.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Question motives, take a step back, and re-evaluate your situation and your strategy. Follow your gut feeling, and ask direct questions in order to find out where you stand. The choice you make now will influence your future.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Whatever you do, don't slow down when there is so much to do in order to reach your destination. Concentrate on what's important, and refuse to let anyone push you off course. The changes you enforce will help to stabilize your life.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Take care of your needs. Pampering or socializing with the people you enjoy being with the most will help you relax and will rejuvenate you for upcoming endeavors. Your love life will take a positive turn if you let your romantic nature lead the way.



Re-examining well-known sayings:

• "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Better yet: keep your friends clothes, keep your enemies closer, and turn your enemies into new friends through gifts of cheap clothes and frequent Naked Friend Parties.

• "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime." Give a qualified nonprofit a fish, and you can write it off on next year's taxes.

• "Don't kiss & tell." Kiss, then tell. Otherwise, it'll be all muffled.

• "Everything happens for a reason." For instance, the reason people say this is because they're superstitious whack jobs.

• "Living well is the best revenge." Living so-so is a proportional response.

• "When God closes a door, he opens a window." When Liam Neeson closes a door, he opens up a can of whoopass.

• "The more, the merrier." Translation: "Oh, you overheard us purposefully making plans that didn't include you, huh?"

• "Comedy equals tragedy plus time." Also, whenever a professor audibly farts.

• "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Fool me 647 times, what can I say? You, sir and/or madam, are quite good at foolin' me, and that's no foolin'.

• "Any landing you can walk away from is a good one." This is also true of babies.

Andrew R. Juhl didn't re-examine these sayings so much as examine them crossly.






>> Click here to submit an event!

• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn


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