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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don't spend all your hard-earned cash. You may want to surprise or spoil the people you love, but keeping your cash and offering your help, kindness, and love is a better choice. You'll learn from an experience you have regarding integrity.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Step things up a notch, and prepare to get a lot done. Interesting information regarding someone you know will help you make a decision about this person. Respond openly to a different lifestyle, philosophy or way of doing things.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Make adjustments to your schedule to ensure you have time to take part in the events that are scheduled toward the end of the year. Speak up about what you want and what you intend to do.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don't shy away from change. Showing your ability to move along with the times will make a difference to future prospects and participations. Throw a little romance into the mix late in the day, and enjoy what life has to offer.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Plan an eventful day that includes friends, peers, and sharing thoughts, ideas and plans for the future. Mixing business with pleasure may be encouraged, but it should be treated with caution. Jealousy or possessiveness is likely to develop.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Get out of the house and into the hustle and bustle in your neighborhood. Keeping secrets may not be easy, but it will be necessary. An investment you make isn't likely to sit well with someone you are close to. Proceed with caution.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Expect to be criticized if you don't stick to the rules or if you venture down a path that isn't practical. Have your defense ready and your facts and figures accurately calculated to back your choices. An emotional situation will catch you off guard.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Re-evaluate what you have done in the past and where you happen to be in the present and what you want to achieve in the future. As the year comes to a close, having your plan in place will ease stress.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don't believe everything you hear. Go to the source, and find out firsthand. Someone is likely to meddle in your affairs. Focus on what you know and do well, and refuse to get dragged into situations that can only lead to trouble.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don't count on anyone doing what you want on time or to your liking. If you want something done, do it yourself. A relationship will flourish if you add a little romance into the mix. Enjoy time alone with someone you love.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Discipline will get you back on track. Pull out your to-do list, and make all the adjustments necessary to improve your life and your relationships with the people you care about most. Someone older will influence your future.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Make time for friends. The information you gather can make a difference to your financial situation. Honesty will make a difference to the outcome of a relationship you have with someone. Romance can lead to a promise.

General and unsolicited advice:

• If you learn only one thing today, the information in this particular bullet point would be a poor allocation of that resource.

• Always practice safer sex. In addition to a condom, wear a safety belt and reflective helmet.

• Don't bother getting to the airport two hours early (or earlier), as the TSA and airlines suggest; simply show up 20 minutes before your gate closes and scream at people until they let you through or budge in line. It's not like any of those people will be on your flight later, anyway; all the people on your flight showed up ridiculously early.

• If you believe in ghosts, STOP IMMEDIATELY. The time you waste believing in ghosts now will come back to haunt you later.

• Avoid embarrassing situations by ensuring they can't happen; as step one of any process, I recommend taking off your own petard.

• Always remember that you're likely no better or worse off than most of the people you know, but also always remember that most people are horrible human beings.

• It's not the SIZE of your boat that matters. It's the motion in your penis.

• Keep in mind that everything — no matter how seemingly insignificant — happens according to God's plan. Try to forget, however, that the name of that plan is Operation Bend Over.

Andrew R. Juhl advises you not to take any of his advice.

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• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn

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