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Elliot: Why not give tanks?

BY BEAU ELLIOT | DECEMBER 03, 2013 5:00 AM

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So I see we all (well, most of us, anyway) made it through Black Friday, if not Cyber Monday, without too many casualties (outside of credit-card balances). Outside of sense, too (or maybe that’s cents).

Where did Black Friday come from? you wonder. Well, according to The New Yorker, it came from 1930s Philadelphia. Philadelphia? you say. Yes, Philadelphia. Apparently, the City of Brotherly Love gave us more than pelting Santa Claus with snowballs. Thus, Black Friday.

But what about the other days? Don’t they deserve some special time, too?

Glad you asked.

• Why not Tank Tuesday? If we’re not going to have gun control (and it appears that we’re not, because that would infringe upon the most holy of holy constitutional amendments, the Second), we should really not have gun control.

I mean, why take wimpy half measures? That’s some kind of wimpy liberal thing. On Tank Tuesday, people 18 and over who can prove they’ve never been busted for smoking in a prohibited area can buy spare tanks from the Army.

The Army has spare tanks? you ask. Of course the Army has spare tanks. It’s the Army. It has spare everything. For that matter, the National Defense Nation as a whole has spare everything. Except for the budget. That’s definitely not spare.

Besides, think about the road-use taxes those babies would bring in. Talk about Tanksgiving.

• Wiley Wednesday. On Wiley Wednesday, all posted prices for everything would be null, and all, even nonconformists and hipsters (not necessarily a redundancy), would have to haggle, dicker, bargain for all items they wished to purchase.

Of course, all this haggling, dickering, et cetera-ing would slow the economy to a grinding crawl, thus rather hindering the National Anthem of “Shop, Shop, Shop,” but, you know, one small step for a shopper, one giant leap for Shopper Land.

• Thirty Thursday. On this day, if you’re lucky enough that it’s your 30th birthday, everything is free, even lunch. A word to the wise, as well as the hip (not necessarily the same thing): The possibilities are endless, as are the taxes you would probably owe the IRS the next day.

• Fried Friday. If we’re going to have a health-care plan, we might as well dig into fatty foods and thus, need to use said plan. And, as we all know, fast food is light years faster than any government website, so dig in. We could even call it the Big Dig. Except that, that term has already been used — you can ask anyone from Boston how well that turned out.

Saturdays and Sundays are reserved for football, because football is also what makes America great.

Those Saturdays and Sundays when there is no actual football is being played are reserved for thinking about football and pining for the days when football will be played again. Thus, football distracts us from life, as opposed to those dark moments when life distracts us from football.
Ever wonder why we call it football when it’s a game played with the hands, when the rest of the world plays soccer, which they call football and which is mostly played with the feet?

Me, neither.

I’m thinking about going shopping. Just thinking about it, you understand.

(Isn’t thinking about it the same as doing it?)

I thought so.

(Note: My longtime friend David Wenzel came up with the idea of letting people buy tanks many years ago. I thought he was in the tank.)


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