New Feature! Sudoku below Horoscopes and Ledge, play online or print it out!

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Uncertainty will keep you on edge. Don’t let pressure cause you to make an unwise choice. A contract, investment, or money owed will come through. Don’t dwell on a past partnership. Forward motion brings positive results.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Emotional matters should entail romance and positive energy. Reaching out to someone special and making plans that lead to a brighter future should highlight your day. Be cautious when traveling or if you participate in physical activities.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your involvement in charitable groups will bring joy to others, but make sure that you can afford the time or money you donate. Keep in mind that charity begins at home. An unexpected expense or situation may require your attention.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Step into the spotlight, and dazzle everyone with your genius. You have remarkable ideas that must be shared. The interest you muster will also bring about a chance to partner with someone special. Romance is on the rise.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You need a break from the stress and the demands being put on you. Changing your location or visiting destinations that take your mind off your responsibilities will contribute to finding solutions to some of the problems you face.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Keep your wits about you when dealing with legal, medical, or financial matters. As long as you ask questions and pull in favors, you will surpass any setbacks you face. Love is featured, and a romantic evening should be planned.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Take a step back from domestic situations that are troubling. Getting away or going out with friends will help you clear your head and give you a new perspective on whatever situation you face. Avoid impulsive acts.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Put time and money into renovations, redecorating, or the connections you have with the people you live with. Use discipline to quit a bad habit or to work on self-esteem. Only you can change what you don’t like in your life.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Take the edge off your stress by making adjustments to your home that are conducive to comfort and entertainment. Inviting over someone you love will be more cost-effective and romantic than springing for a lavish night out on the town.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Ask and you shall receive. You can call in favors and make alterations in your personal life that will add to your happiness and contentment. Let your dreams be your vision and your ambition your vehicle to get what you want.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Stick close to home, and avoid any sort of run-in with people who don’t agree with you or who want to take advantage of your good nature. Make the changes that improve your life instead of helping someone else get ahead.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Prosperous deals are within reach. Negotiate, and you will get the perks you want. Now is the time to make your move and to present what you have to offer. Love is in the stars, and romance will seal a deal.

We hold these truths to be self-evident (and a little nerdy):

• There are certain aspects of an argument that can be agreed upon by all, even when there are others that may never; let it be resolved that Bigfoot is packing a massive wang.

• Sloane, Ferris, and the other guy were able to finish their lunch unaccosted, so it’s not like Abe Froman even NEEDED that reservation.

• Faster-than-light travel? Check. Advanced artificial intelligence? Check. Laser-based weaponry? Check. Holograms that don’t flicker? Still working on it.

• Am I really the only one that thought “Duck Dynasty” was a show in which people dubbed dialogue from old episodes of “Dynasty” over nature footage of ducks?

• Am I also really the only one that thinks the show would be way better if that’s what it WAS?

• Say what you will, but I bet Edward Snowden’s NSA office mates will be happy he’s not around to ruin yet another Secret Santa party this Christmas.

• Daffy Duck? A daffy duck. Wile E. Coyote? A wily coyote. Foghorn Leghorn? A loud chicken. Bugs Bunny? A bacteria-infested rabbit.

• Why don’t the drivers in NASCAR just hang out in the back of the pack until they get a blue shell? Seems easier to me. Then again, I chose a job where the Spectre of Death isn’t constantly riding shotgun, so maybe I’m the idiot here.

Andrew R. Juhl thanks LTD for only semi-begrudgingly acting as his joke sounding board.

>> Click here to submit an event!

• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn

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