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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Look forward to an inheritance, settlement, contract, or reimbursement. Make final alterations to a job or goal you are working toward. Romance is on the rise, and a promise someone made to you will be honored.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Keep life simple, and refrain from sharing personal information. Emotional encounters will be difficult to handle and can lead to a dispute. A change in the dynamic of a partnership is likely to cause regrets. Avoid taking on added responsibilities.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Look for alternate ways to use your skills. Talk to someone influential, and you will get the inside scoop about a better position. Problems at home will surface if you aren't attentive. A change at home will help as well as promote love.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You have more control than you realize, so make a move or decision that suits you. Travel and socializing will promote new friendships. Love, romance, and having fun should be your goal. Don't let someone else disrupt your plans.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Choose your words wisely, and pick and choose your battles. Focus on finances, medical issues, and especially home and family. Nurturing and protecting what you have will be well worth your while. Someone may try to take advantage of your generosity.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Share your thoughts, feelings, and plans. Get together with friends or consider getting involved in a community event. Avoid getting implicated in secret plans that might get you into trouble with someone you love.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You have more choices than you realize. Look at your attributes, skills, and connections, and you will discover that you can network your way to a better position. Someone will try to inch back into your life; don't be too accommodating.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Control your emotions. Listen, observe, and save your thoughts until you have all the information you need to come up with a viable solution. Less anger and more help will ensure that you don't upset someone you love.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): By helping others, you will attract attention and the possibility of a position that interests you. A change at home will be positive. An investment will pay off and boost your status. Remain open regarding your plans.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Show off a little, and you will make a good impression with someone who has something to offer you. A change of plans must not throw you off guard. Use your clout, knowledge, expertise, and connections to keep things running smoothly.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You'll be offended easily and are best to keep your distance from people who tend to meddle and interfere. Put your effort into self-improvement and meeting any deadline you've been given. Invest in your skills and your home.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Focus on what you can do to improve your financial, emotional, or physical well-being. Someone you work with will have a money problem that can end up costing you. Use innovative ideas to gain support and reinforce your goals.



General and unsolicited advice:

• Be careful around chalk outlines on the ground … that's where they always find dead bodies.

• While driving your car, there is no need to panic when you feel for your car keys in your pocket and they're not there.

• Made it to (or through) college but now think the world is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad place? Thinking about ending it all? Two words: law school.

• Don't ask yourself WWJD; Jesus died a horrible, painful death when he was 32. Methuselah, on the other hand, lived for 969 years and died peacefully. So always ask yourself, "WWMD?" — just not out loud or near any government officials.

• Never, under any circumstances, begin your day by eating an entire suckling pig. Especially raw.

• Only make bets before you start drinking, never after. Sure, betting someone $5 you can drink five shots of tequila in under five seconds sounds like a stupid idea NOW — but not after you've had five shots of tequila.

• The worst way to solicit a prostitute is by asking her, "What's the price of emission?"

• If you have something important to say that needs to be taken seriously, always preface your remarks with a shrill "Listen up, sheeple."

• Never lose your sense of wonder. Or smell. Or car keys.

Andrew R. Juhl thanks Brian Tanner for contributing to today's Ledge.






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