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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Follow your heart, socialize, and meet new people to promote opportunities and change. Let your mind wander, and it will help you put the pieces of anything that is puzzling you into place. Take the initiative and make things happen.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Emotional problems will surface if you aren't careful how you handle friends, relatives, or your lover. Don't force your will or impose on others. Making travel plans or signing up to learn something new should be where you put your energy.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Push your way to the top. Take advantage of creative opportunities. Open your eyes, and focus on what you can do, not what you cannot. The only one holding you back is you. Love is in the stars. Home improvements will pay off.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Like it or not, change is required. Don't judge situations or others based on how you feel. Jump into new opportunities and proposals without making a fuss. How you handle what's going on around you will determine how successful you can become.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Three steps forward and five steps back. You have to be precise and ready to make changes on the move if you want to override the negativity or restrictions you face. Know your plan, and strategize, targeting exactly what you want.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Give out, and get back. It's simple what you have to do in order to get what you want. Make your offer perfectly clear. Once you get the ball rolling, there will be no looking back. Follow your gut feeling.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Listen carefully, and refrain from being overly generous. You must find out what's expected of you before you say yes. Physical activities may not be your first choice, but moving about will help ease your stress. Love is highlighted.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Protect your heart. Don't mix business with pleasure. You can ferret out important information that will help you make the right choices financially, legally, or medically. Don't let emotions or a poor relationship stand between you and success.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Take a journey. Whether it's of a spiritual, informative, or pleasurable nature, it will help you get back on track and make a decision regarding how you want to move forward emotionally and with regard to the way you live.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Nurture partnerships. It will not end up being to your advantage to jump ship or to put an end to something you haven't spent enough time trying to improve. Focus on what you can do to make those around you content.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A partnership can make a difference in a decision you have to make regarding your future, your finances, or your professional direction. Love is heating up, and making a point of getting closer to someone special will be beneficial.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Take a unique approach to work. Network, and you will charm someone with your ideas and plans for the future. A deal can be made if you are quick to draw up a workable agreement. Your intuition won't mislead you.



Lessons learned from a lifetime of watching movies:

• The main purpose of an answering machine was never to record messages, it was to provide exposition.

• If you're being shot at and the bullet is shown in slow motion, you can relax a little; worst case scenario is it'll graze you.

• Make a "V" with your fingers. Point them at your eyes, then your henchman's eyes. This notifies henchmen to rely on vision instead of smell.

• If you're a whore in the Old West, you're a redhead. If you're a redhead in the Old West, you're probably a whore.

• Training a pair of binoculars on any high-rise apartment building at any time of day will result in witnesses a topless woman, people having (or about to have) sex, a possible murder, and most likely all three.

• If you ever go to an opera, the events of the opera will mirror the problems in your life.

• Your last mission is the one most likely to kill you, for it comes at the end of your career, when you're the least-skilled, knowledgeable, and cautious you've ever been.

• Need to escape or at least put some distance between you and your captor? That's why God created hotel kitchens.

• You can conceal literally any other disguise — even a tuxedo — beneath a wetsuit. BONUS: It will not wrinkle the disguise. DOUBLE BONUS: Somehow, the wetsuit is still skin tight, you sexy beast.

Andrew R. Juhl still regrets that time he went to see Carmen.






>> Click here to submit an event!

• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn


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