Beall: Welcome Donald Trump

BY MIKE BEALL | JUNE 28, 2013 5:00 AM

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Attention citizens of Iowa: Donald Trump is taking some early steps toward a run for president. In August, he’ll be in Iowa to speak at a major conservative summit, and he’s also reportedly investigating a presidential run in 2016 by spending $1 million to research his political standing across the country.

I am unsure what this research entails except that it will look specifically at Iowa to see if Iowans view the Donald favorably. It is of the utmost important that for the next few years we all feign interest in the reality-TV star, lest we risk scaring him off before the 2016 Iowa caucuses.

If you don’t think schmoozing Donald Trump is worth your time, let me put a few images in your head.

The Iowa State Fair. Yes, the fair is a common destination for all potential candidates, taking place five months before the actual caucuses, which means that it will probably be the nation’s first taste of Candidate Trump. Now, this is a supposed New Yorker who eats pizza with a fork, so there’s no telling how he will manage all of the fried food on a stick. A knife-and-fork corn dog, perhaps. I don’t know about you, but I want to see that with every fiber of my being.

Babies. While kissing babies is not normal election behavior anymore, it is still common to hold them or at the very least be near them. President Obama is the perfect example of a candidate and elected official who has used this to his advantage. There are numerous pictures of the president holding smiling babies and stories of crying children being calmed down once the president holds them. Being a baby whisperer is a valuable trait in running for public office.

It is also a trait that I cannot imagine this particular comb-over enthusiast having. The image of Trump holding an infant at arms length is funny, sure, but also terrifying. Traumatizing infants is only one more reason of many to support Trump as a candidate.

And imagine all the silly things he will say. Iowa has long history as a hotbed of killer gaffes. Michele Bachmann confused John Wayne’s birthplace with the serial killer John Wayne Gacy’s. So flustered was Mitt Romney by the crowd at the Iowa State Fair that he spouted his immortal line, “Corporations are people, my friend.”

And who can forget Howard Dean’s scream after losing the 2004 Iowa caucuses?

Trump, a reality-TV star and notorious attention seeker, will certainly add to the state’s tradition of teasing the absurdity out of absurd politicians. Remember, this is a man who is still convinced Barack Obama was not born in this country; the things he will say about his fellow candidates and the things he will do after his inevitable loss are unimaginable comedic material.

And any televised debate including Trump will be considered the debate of the century (to me, at least).

But for this to work, we must all pretend Trump is a serious candidate. I’m looking at you Gov. Terry Branstad — when reporters ask you about Trump’s potential presidential bid, do not laugh as you did in a 2011 interview. An election including Trump is comedy gold, and it is up to us to ensure the entire country is able to enjoy the soon-to-be-immortal image of him riding in a tractor.

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