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Elliot: Conspiring nation

BY BEAU ELLIOT | MAY 14, 2013 5:00 AM

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Benghazi. The IRS. Libby Lewis. Or was it Lewis Libby? Who can remember these days?

So many conspiracies. So little time. (Says the guy who lives on a grassy knoll.)

Of course, so little time is far better than so little thyme, which has no rhyme or reason this season and will also throw a restaurant kitchen into complete disarray. (Having worked in many restaurants, I know that restaurants work best in a Zen-like incomplete disarray. It’s something on the order of the Seven Wonders of the World that any customer ever gets served. And we’re just talking the Wonders of the World in the 20th century, which is over and done with. Except that, it turns out, nothing is ever really over and done with.)

Take college, for instance. You who will graduate this weekend believe that this is it; college is over and done with.

But no. College will follow you for the rest of your lives. The friends you made, the friends you didn’t make (which makes them not friends, but details, details). What you learned, what you didn’t learn (takes you a lot longer to realize what you didn’t learn; just trust me on this one, as a person who realizes every day what he didn’t learn).

And then, of course, there’s the Alumni Association, which will kindly remind you about college all the time. (Remember, Alumni Association, I said “kindly.”)

It’s not necessarily a conspiracy, though.

At least, not necessarily a conspiracy like the United Nations, which apparently has spent the last 60 odd (yes, they have been odd) years trying to undermine the United States.

A personal note: Some years ago, my brother who had worked with the United Nations in Somalia rolled his eyes more than I believed possible for a person to roll his eyes when I described the black helicopters and the U.N. organizing a plot to overthrow the U.S. way of life. Echoing Saul Alinsky talking about Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin, my brother said, The U.N. couldn’t organize a luncheon.

But here comes Rand Paul, a Republican senator from Kentucky (and famously the son of Ron Paul, the former congressman from Texas — conspiracy?), warning us about President Obama in league with the United Nations and “anti-American globalists plot[ting] against our Constitution.”

(Courtesy of Ezra Klein of the Washington Post.)

“Dear fellow Patriot,” Rand Paul writes (I believe his first name comes from right-wing favorite Ayn Rand, but that might be a conspiracy in the making, so I’m not going to say it, even though I just did — college graduates, this is the way the world works).

Paul the Younger goes on to note that the Obama administration on Nov. 7, “… gleefully voted at the U.N. for a renewed effort to pass the “Small Arms Treaty.”

Paul goes on and on (and on, till you start to wish there really were U.N. black helicopters circling and circling the nation, waiting to pounce and take this nation to its knees, starting with Rand Paul).
You get the idea.

But if you really want a conspiracy, what about the universe?

Everything we can see and know, apparently, is something around only 4 percent of the universe.

Then there’s all this black energy and black matter.

Kind of makes black helicopter seem like small potatoes.

Benghazi. The IRS. Libby Lewis. Or was it Lewis Libby? Who can remember these days?

So many conspiracies. So little time.

Happy graduation.


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