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ARIES (March 21-April 19): You may want a little more excitement in your life, but first things first. Get your responsibilities taken care of. It's how you handle the people around you that will count. Let your knowledge and past experience lead the way.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Broaden your horizons. Taking a course or business trip will help open up new opportunities. Share your insight and plans for the future with a partner or someone you'd like to do more with, and you will come up with a great plan.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You may be forced to deal with institutions, large corporations, or secret matters that require your urgent attention. Prepare to make alternate plans or last-minute changes if it will help you get ahead or get something done.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Help others, or volunteer your services for a worthy cause. Don't let your personal opinions interfere with what needs to be done. Focus more on what you can do for others, not what you can get others to do for you. Avoid impulsiveness.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): A change will do you good. Whether you travel to a new location or sign up to participate in something that intrigues you, it will lower your stress and give you time to figure out the best way to handle a difficult situation.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Share your time and expertise with people you enjoy being with. A short trip that will add to your knowledge or bring you the opportunity to meet new acquaintances will be successful. Avoid an impulsive purchase or decision.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You'll be drawn to unusual pastimes and people. You may want to change your lifestyle, but before you do, consider the cost involved and the opposition you will face. A change of attitude or reassessment of your situation is required.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): A partnership will help you open up creatively. An offer you receive will be too good to turn down. A change in status and reputation is apparent. An unusual living arrangement will enhance your productivity. Love is in the stars.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A sudden change of plans will benefit you at home and in your personal life. A move or altering your living space will help you develop a new set of rules and schedule. Don't hesitate to say what's on your mind.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You can pick and choose, so slow down, and don't allow anyone the chance to pressure or push you into something you feel uncertain about. Time is on your side, and you will benefit if you think matters through clearly.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Someone you get along with or who owes you a favor will have something to offer. Discuss your plans, and you'll find a way to combine your plans. You must communicate very clearlY and put contractual matters in place.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Investments based on long-term plans or ideas should be brought to the forefront. Negotiate what you want and how you would like to proceed. Love is highlighted, along with a promise that will lead to greater security and stability.



General and unsolicited advice:

• Before you get all dressed up and take your girlfriend out for a nice dinner at her favorite restaurant, always call the restaurant first. This helps ensure that the reservations you think you made wasn't just part of that very real and elaborate sex dream you had last weekend. (Similarly: Don't be surprised if there's no walrus eating fettuccini in the bathtub; that was also part of the dream. Weirdo.)

• When someone is hitting on you at a bar, and they tell you their name, it is never appropriate to get really excited and inform them that you once had a pet with that same name. It is even less advised that you then tell them the unfortunate circumstances under which that pet perished. Maybe their mother went the same way. (There have been a surprising number of women named "Princess" who've gotten hit by cars while chasing Frisbees into the street, you know.)

• If you have a cat, and you're a man, never do squats naked. Cats love to attack dangly bits. Cats have claws and/or teeth. Your dangly bits do not. Probably.

• When you're home over winter break, never go hunting for your Christmas presents under your parents' bed. Maybe your parents like to get freaky now that you've left the house. And maybe they don't always bother to rinse their toys off afterwards. Maybe you should've just waited until Christmas like a good little boy. Maybe you've never really stopped crying and only have a humor column as an emotional outlet.

Andrew R. Juhl wishes all a Happy "I can't believe they own a Sybian" Monday.






>> Click here to submit an event!

• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn


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