New Feature! Sudoku below Horoscopes and Ledge, play online or print it out!

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Your heart is in the right place, but that doesn't mean you should let anyone take advantage of your kindness and generosity. You can gain respect and develop new friendships by sharing equally. Pleasure trips will stimulate your desire for change.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don't let emotions interfere with your plans. Use your imagination, and you will find a way to avoid setbacks you encounter. Take care of your health by taking time out to relax at the end of the day. Honor a promise.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Take on a challenge, but don't let anyone trick you into trying to do the impossible. Know your limits, and use your skills and talents wisely. Someone you do business with has a hidden agenda. Double-check all facts and figures.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Step up, and do something that will make you feel proud, useful, and bring you satisfaction. Offering assistance or volunteering for a position that gives you the option to make a difference to your community will heighten your reputation.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Slow down, and observe what everyone else is doing. Making a statement, a move, or even a suggestion will work against you. Focus on personal awareness, your current lifestyle, and the positive personal improvements you can make. Accept the inevitable.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Embrace new beginnings. Journey mentally and physically to destinations that encourage you to follow your dreams. Personal and professional relationships will flourish if you collaborate to bring about positive change. Love is in the stars, and romance should be planned.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Contracts, agreements, financial, and health issues should all be looked at very carefully. Don't let someone bully you into making a decision if you aren't ready to settle. Ask for expert advice, and let your intuition guide you down the right path.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Discuss your plans. Getting others on board will make it easier for you to forge ahead. A partnership will encourage teamwork and greater creative expansion at home and at work. Let your imagination be your guide. Love is highlighted.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Emotional issues will cause stress. You are best to wait to see what others do before you react. Personal alterations will occupy your time and keep you out of trouble. A past partner will be the reason you want to embrace change.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Listen and react. You will be able to size up a situation quickly and decide what's required in order to come out on top. Recognize that stability is the key and unpredictability the enemy. Love and romance should be on your agenda.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Expect to experience difficulties with superiors, authority figures, or while traveling. Delays, setbacks, and emotional interjection can all be expected if you aren't willing to make the changes required to offset the opposition you face. A change at home will be beneficial.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Draw up agreements or put your finances in order, and you will find a way to accommodate new endeavors that you want to pursue. Plan to socialize or indulge in a little romantic action.

Things said that have gotten me fired:

• I didn't take this job because I gave a damn. I took this job for the free T-shirt.

• Want me to Irish up that coffee for you, Boss?

• Like I'm really gonna wash my hands every five minutes. I mean, seriously, it's only food. It's not even cooked, yet.

• Wanna see what I put in the fryer?

• Oh? And is that what they taught you in How to be a Stupid Manager class?

• Swordfight.

• "Technically," I didn't "graduate."

• I am NOT hungover. I am still drunk.

• Sorry, I'm on my break … and you look like a douchebag.

• Since I was driving a company car, then the company has the OWI, not me.

• Is that your wife? She's ugly.

• Is that your wife? She's hot.

• But I didn't know she was your wife.

• Yeah, doing this job is OK and all, but have you ever tried doing this job … ON WEED?

• I bet when Transformers have sex, pretty much everything turns into a vibrator. Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there, sir. Welcome to Circuit City.

• Whatever. You can't fire me.

Andrew R. Juhl has an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets.

>> Click here to submit an event!

• Book Babies, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• Hallelujah Chorus Sing-Along, noon, UIHC Colloton Atrium
• Chess Group, 1 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• Knitting Nurse, 2-4 p.m., Home Ec Workshop, 207 N. Linn
• First Friday Coffeehouse, Iowa Humane Alliance Fundraiser, 5:30 p.m., Beadology, 220 E. Washington
• Graduate College Commencement Ceremony, 7 p.m., Carver-Hawkeye Arena
Annie, 7:30 p.m., Iowa City Community Theater, Johnson County Fairgrounds, 4265 Oak Crest Hill Road
A Christmas Carol, City Circle, 7:30 p.m., Coralville Center for the Performing Arts, 1301 Fifth St.
• Tallgrass, Iowa Shares Benefit, 8 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
• Item 9 & the Mad Hatters CD Release Party, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Salsa, 9 p.m., Wildwood, 4919 Walleye N.E.
• Scholars and Tyrants, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn

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