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ARIES (March 21-April 19): A change because of an emotional revelation will help you push forward with innovative plans for the future. Pick and choose your friends, partners, and geographical location to suit your needs. A secret may be difficult to keep.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Associate with groups that have something to offer. A partnership will contribute to a more fulfilling lifestyle. You will learn from someone accomplished in your field. Share what you discover, and you will receive help in return. Love is in the stars.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Excess will be your downfall. Refrain from making choices based on hearsay. Without knowing exactly where you stand and what’s available, you are likely to end up losing. Your past must be dealt with before you move ahead.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Sharing will be what counts. Getting out with friends or a lover will spice up your life and give you a fresh look at what you can strive for in the future. Love is enhanced. A partnership will take a serious turn.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don’t put pressure on others, or you may get the same in return. Find an outlet for your stress. Begin an unusual hobby or activity, or travel to an exciting destination. A break from tedious work or making personal changes will have a positive influence.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Satisfaction is what you must strive for. Show everyone what you are capable of doing, and you will impress someone who has something that will help you advance. Traveling will bring positive results.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Stop worrying, and start doing. You can’t change the past, but you can change the present. Use your experience to fix a wrong or to change the way you proceed now. Personal problems will develop if you put up with emotional blackmail.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don’t hesitate to pursue a creative dream. Your biggest hurdle to cross is your lack of belief in your capabilities. Let your talent speak for itself and let your confidence grow. You will find the success you are searching for. Take a chance.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Dealing with partnerships will be dicey if you exaggerate. Stick to basics, and be honest about the facts. Whether a personal or business relationship, maturity and good intentions will determine the outcome.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Someone in a powerful position will notice you if you focus on your beliefs and your abilities. Don’t hold back if you have something to say. A partnership looks promising. Love will reign supreme.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Protect what you have, and say little to raise suspicion. Concentrate on your home and making your surroundings more desirable and geared toward your health and wellness. Someone from your past can make a difference to a choice you must make.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Look over what you need to complete before the year comes to a close. Spend money fixing up your place or investing in something that will ensure that you advance in the future. A promise or commitment will improve your lifestyle.



Reconsidered analogies:

• Robert’s utterance went unheeded, like the “Employees Must Wash Hands” sign in most workplace bathrooms.

• Swashed with vitriol, hatred seeped into Michael’s thoughts like tanker-spilt oil into the fur of helpless, adorable baby sea otters.

• In the years since I had last seen Jonathon, his belly had swollen to the size of a pregnant woman’s in the fifth trimester.

• Watching the two of them kiss was like watching an obese man attempting to extricate himself from a particularly cushy beanbag chair.

• The arrow scythed through the air exactly as you’d expect a balloon half-filled with grape Jell-O not to.

• Rachel’s teeth were as immaculately white as the Klan robes of her father.

• The skiff smelled of sulfurous rotting fish and bacon, much like a Long John Silver’s breakfast platter.

• The brocade rug looked as if it had been crafted by someone with all the weaving skills of an Easy-Bake Oven.

• Chandler was a pestiferous man wearing a charcoal duster that reminded Emily of duster covered in charcoal.

• Thunder clapped in the distance like a lone audience member getting an obscure joke.

• Salty-sea foam covered the bucktoothed child’s face, invoking her resemblance to that of a rabid walrus.

• Mr. Tibbs beamed the Cheshire smile of an eight-legged asskicker at an all-the-ass-you-can-kick asskicking festival.

Andrew R. Juhl stretched this idea finer than the fabric of training bra over Jessica Simpson’s ample bosom.






>> Click here to submit an event!

• European Studies Conference, “Napoleon and the World: Literature, Politics and the Arts,” 9 a.m., 315 Phillips
• A Little Lunch Music, featuring UI School of Music students, 12 p.m., 2780 University Capitol Center
• Life in Iowa, Gingerbread House, 4:30 p.m., 1117 University Capitol Center
• Soundscape Trio, 5:30 p.m., Mill, 120 E. Burlington
• The Faceless, 5:30 p.m., Blue Moose, 211 Iowa
• Viola Studio Recital, 6 p.m., University Capitol Center Recital Hall
• Link Movie Night, 6:30 p.m., Asian Pacific American Cultural Center
• “Live from Prairie Lights,” Charlie Beye, memoir, 7 p.m., Prairie Lights, 15 S. Dubuque
• Quey Percussion Duo, 7 p.m., 150 Music West Interim Building
The Nutcracker, 7:30 p.m., Englert, 221 E. Washington
Collaborative Performance, 8 p.m., North HallSpace/Place
• Catfish Keith, 8 p.m., Mill, 120 E. Burlington
• Campus Activities Board Film, The Bourne Legacy, 8 and 11 p.m., 348 IMU
Memoire, Gallery Series, 8 p.m., Theater Building Theater B
• Nethervoid, 9 p.m., Gabe’s, 330 E. Washington
• Jon Wayne & the Pain, 10 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn
• Campus Activities Board Comedy, Upright Citizens Brigade, with Paperback Rhino, 10 p.m., IMU Main Lounge


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