New Feature! Sudoku below Horoscopes and Ledge, play online or print it out!

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Getting involved in activities or events that interest you will broaden your plans for future development. Love is in the stars. Enhancing the relationship you are in or looking for love at networking or community events will be fruitful.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don’t allow personal issues to interfere with your productivity. Focus on what’s expected of you. Don’t lose sight of the long-term effects you will have on those you work with if you don’t pull your weight.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Get involved in an organization or an event that brings you in contact with interesting people who share similar goals. Think outside the box, and contribute your ideas in order to reach a much larger audience or goal. Love is highlighted.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Older and younger people may cause problems, but if you set rules and timelines to be met, you will keep everyone moving along and accomplish what you set out to do. Consistency coupled with creativity will bring good results.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don’t worry too much about what others do, say, or think. You can expect to feel stifled at home and in your personal life if you cannot find a way to step away from your responsibilities and enjoy socializing with friends.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Put pressure where needed in order to reach your goals. Don’t put up with anyone who is irresponsible or overreacting to a situation that needs to be dealt with swiftly. Excess is the enemy, so keep your life and what you do simple and manageable.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You cannot control every situation you face, but you can opt to say “no” to anyone who puts you in an awkward situation. Communication, travel, and expanding your knowledge and interests will lead to an interesting connection and proposal.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Take a serious look at where you are personally and professionally, and make a decision that will help push you closer to your goals. Look for an unusual way to market or develop an idea you have. Discipline will pay off.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Make improvements at home that will help ease your stress and improve your lifestyle. Don’t let your temper be what stands between you and someone or something you need in order to excel. Compromise will be necessary.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Discuss issues you have with partners, colleagues, or someone who has something unique to contribute to your plans. Advancement will be yours if you show your strengths and your ability to work without supervision.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Don’t judge others, or you will end up being judged. It’s important to show discipline, but at the same time, enjoy what’s being offered. A commitment or contract will lead to prospects that will provide you with additional perks.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Calm down, and enjoy life. Taking on too much or being excessive in any way will limit what you are capable of obtaining. An imaginative plan coupled with a little determination will result in greater cooperation and good results.

More Republicanese:

• “We care about 100 percent of Americans.” = Give or take 47 percent.

• “We need to protect the integrity of the electoral process.” = We need to stop poor people from voting. They’re stupid. Because a lot of them vote the other way. That’s stupid. Also, we’re rethinking those 19th and 24th Amendments. Oh, you don’t know what those amendments were about? You must be poor.

• “We have faith in American exceptionalism.” = I think it’s pretty obvious the rest of the world thinks we’re the Best Thing Ever. Why else would they all hate us so much?

• “God bless America.” = Obama is a Kenyan Muslim, Democrats are all in league with Satan, women should be submissive to their men, and — seriously — screw the poor.

• “We have to stop heading toward socialism.” = At this point, we’re just banking that voters are too frightened to acknowledge the differences between actual socialism and the Affordable Care Act, even though it was originally proposed by us, the Republicans.

• “Social Security and Medicare need to be reformed to preserve the programs.” = Abstinence-only education counts as a reformation of Medicare, because if poor people would stop having kids, we wouldn’t have to pay for them.

• “It was a tragedy that we did not keep troops in Iraq.” = It’s *our* oil, dammit.

• “There is no scientific consensus on global warming.” = Eff polar bears.

Duncan Stewart is a severely conservative librarian, though he does favor porn in libraries. He thanks Andrew R. Juhl for help with today’s Ledge and for lending him that nun costume for Halloween.

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• Center for Asian and Pacific Studies lecture, “Chinese in the Philippine Life: Shared History, Shared Destiny,” Teresita Ang-See, noon , 302 Schaeffer
• English Language Learners’ Discussion Circle, noon, S126 Papajohn Business Building
• The Palestinian Question with Dr. Patrick Hitchon, noon, 353 IMU
• Physical & Environmental Chemistry Seminar, “Optical Properties of Mineral Dust Aerosol,” Jennifer Alexander, Physics/Astronomy, 12:30 p.m., 104 Iowa Advanced Technoloby Labs
• Nuclear and Particle Physics Seminar, Christopher Doran, Physics/Astronomy, 1:30 p.m., 301 Van Allen
• Colloquium, Christopher Doran, Physics/Astronomy, 3:30 p.m., 301 Van Allen Hall
• Community Potluck and TransWeek Wrap Up, 6 p.m., UI LGBT Resource Center
• Hawkeye Ballroom Dance Company Lessons, 6 p.m., Old Brick, 26 E. Market
• GLBT Movie Series, Let’s Talk Inclusive, 6:30 p.m., Senior Center, 28 S. Linn
• “Live from Prairie Lights,” Salgado Maranhão and Alexis Levitin, poetry, 7 p.m., Prairie Lights, 15 S. Dubuque
• Horse Feathers, 9 p.m., Mill, 120 E. Burlington
• One-Night Stand, 9 p.m., Yacht Club, 13 S. Linn

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