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New Feature! Sudoku below Horoscopes and Ledge, play online or print it out!



ARIES (March 21-April 19): A sudden change in your financial situation looks positive. Check over investments and contracts carefully, and don’t be afraid to revise small details that favor you. Attending a celebration will result in an interesting conversation.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Enjoy pastimes that let you use your skills and interact with people who share your concerns. A chance to move ahead professionally or to find a position that suits your lifestyle will develop through a conversation with an influential individual.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don’t make physical changes based on what someone else suggests. Get the lowdown on procedures before moving forward. Deception is apparent; it will lead to an unsavory situation if you are not upfront about what you want and what you have to offer.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Rework an old plan, pick up new skills, and you will be able to raise your earning potential. Creative collaboration will bring good results. Your intuition will lead you down the right path. Socializing will be rewarding.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don’t make a promise you cannot keep. Additional responsibilities will cost you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Overspending to keep the peace will lead to stress and worry regarding your future. Look for alternative ways to cut corners. Do the work yourself.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Talks will lead to solutions. Your dedication and hard work will inspire others to help. Steer clear of those looking for handouts or excess in any way. A change at home can be good if it stifles someone’s poor habits.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Mixing the old with the new will result in an interesting payoff. You’ll attract someone from your past if you attend a reunion or visit places you used to frequent years ago. An emotional issue regarding money can be resolved.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Share your talent, skills, and knowledge with others. You will attract attention and interest in what you have to offer. Romance is in the stars, and planning a late-night celebration will ensure that you enhance your love life. Enjoy the moment.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You’ll upset someone if you neglect your duties or you don’t show appreciation. A force play at home may appear detrimental at first, but in the end, it will help you move forward and follow a path better suited to your needs.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Pull in favors. Suggest different ways to use your skills more effectively, and you will advance professionally. A financial gain is heading in your direction. A commitment made to someone you have something to share with will bring high returns.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Don’t question what everyone else is doing. Take care of business, and do what’s expected of you without complaint. Putting up a fuss will make you look bad and could cost you financially. Stick close to home; honor your word.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Arguing will be a waste of time. Do everything in your power to develop your interests and negotiate deals that promise a brighter future. Travel or expanding an interest you have will also enhance your personal life and important relationships.



Answering My Fan Mail:

Q: “Do you ever use figure-enhancing padding?”
A: Yes; bubble wrap around my hips.

Q: “What is the secret to eternal youth?”
A: Stop aging.

Q: “What is the nicest thing a stranger can do for you?”
A: Punch one of my enemies in the face while mailing me a blank check.

Q: “Did you like it in *Homeward Bound* when the pets made it home again?”
A: Yes; except not the cat.

Q: “How do you sleep at night?”
A: Inside a homemade sensory deprivation chamber.

Q: “What is my destiny, Wise One?”
A: To finally invent a flavor of Doritos that doesn’t smell like toe jam.

Q: “Will you marry me?”
A: Maybe; do you have a car?

Q: “How can I be just like you?”
A: With a little pluck, hard work, and a sample of my DNA you can be my clone.

Q: “What advice do you have for all the kids out there who look up to you?”
A: Get a better role model.

Q: “Is it true that “W” is sometimes a vowel?”
A: Yws; bwt nwt wftwn.

Q: “How do you turn ordinary metals into gold?”
A: I don’t. I only turn them into sapphires.

Q: “Is there anything wrong with you?”
A: Some people say that I am TOO wonderful.

Q: “Isn’t it lonely being such a narcissistic misanthrope?”
A: Yes; it’s hard being so much better than everyone.

Kit Bryant could ask you the same question.









>> Click here to submit an event!

• Life in Iowa Career Series, Interviewing, 9 a.m.-5 p.m., 1117 University Capitol Center
• Preschool Story Time, 10:30 a.m., Iowa City Public Library, 123 S. Linn
• “Under the Hood,” Behind the scenes with the JACK Quartet, 12:30 p.m., Riverside Recital Hall
• Anatomy/Cell Biology Seminar, “Sculpting an Organ: Interactions that Shape the Embryonic Heart,” Deborah Yelon, Professor, University of California-San Diego, 1 p.m., 1-561 Bowen
• Joint Astrophics/Space Physics Seminar, “What can an X-ray spectrum really tell us about a plasma?,” Kenneth Gayley, Physics/Astronomy, 3:30 p.m, 309 Van Allen
• Stress Management, Study, Workshops, & Tutoring Program and University Counseling Service, 3:30 p.m., 14 Schaeffer
• Farmers’ Market, 5 p.m., Chauncey Swan parking ramp
• Gray Knights Chess Club, 6:30 p.m., Senior Center, 28 S. Linn
• Chinese Calligraphy Workshop, 7 p.m., 1117 University Capitol Center
• Detropia, 7 p.m., Bijou
• Immigration Film Series, 7 p.m., Unitarian Universalist Society of Iowa City, 10 S. Gilbert
• The Monsanto Hearings film screening, 7 p.m., Iowa City Public Library Room A
• Spoken Word, 7 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• “Why the United Nations Still Matters,” Robert Skinner, 7 p.m., Old Capitol House Chamber
• V/H/S, 9 p.m., Bijou


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